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%%$MidnightBSD$ |
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When things are going well, someone will inevitably |
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experiment detrimentally. |
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% |
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< |
If not controlled, work will flow to the competent |
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< |
man until he submerges. |
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> |
(1) Anyone can make a decision given enough facts. |
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> |
(2) A good manager can make a decision without enough |
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> |
facts. |
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> |
(3) A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance. |
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% |
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< |
The deficiency will never show itself during the test runs. |
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> |
(1) Everything depends. |
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> |
(2) Nothing is always. |
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> |
(3) Everything is sometimes. |
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% |
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< |
The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found |
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< |
in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting. |
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> |
(1) Everything is a system. |
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> |
(2) Everything is part of a larger system. |
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> |
(3) The universe is infinitely systematized both upward |
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> |
(larger systems) and downward (smaller systems). |
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> |
(4) All systems are infinitely complex. (The illusion |
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> |
of simplicity comes from focusing attention on |
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> |
one or a few variables). |
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% |
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< |
It is impossible to build a fool proof system; |
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< |
because fools are so ingenious. |
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> |
(1) If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. |
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> |
(2) If it stinks, it's chemistry. |
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(3) If it doesn't work, it's physics. |
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% |
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< |
Talent in staff work or sales will continually be |
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< |
interpreted as managerial ability. |
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> |
(1) If the weather is extremely bad, church |
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> |
attendance will be down. |
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> |
(2) If the weather is extremely good, church |
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> |
attendance will be down. |
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> |
(3) If the bulletin covers are in short supply |
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> |
church attendance will exceed all expectations. |
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% |
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< |
Information travels more surely to those with a |
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< |
lesser need to know. |
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> |
(1) If you like it, they don't have it in your size. |
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> |
(2) If you like it and it's in your size, it doesn't |
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> |
fit anyway. |
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> |
(4) If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it. |
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> |
(5) If you like it, it fits and you can afford it, it |
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> |
falls apart the first time you wear it. |
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% |
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< |
The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his |
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< |
subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems. |
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> |
(1) Never draw what you can copy. |
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> |
(2) Never copy what you can trace. |
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> |
(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. |
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% |
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< |
An original idea can never emerge from committee |
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< |
in its original form. |
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> |
(1) The telephone will ring when you are outside the |
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> |
door, fumbling for your keys. |
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> |
|
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(2) You will reach it just in time to hear the click |
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> |
of the caller hanging up. |
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% |
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< |
No good deed goes unpunished. |
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> |
1) Things will get worse before they get better. |
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> |
2) Who said things would get better? |
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% |
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< |
When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system |
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< |
will perform perfectly. |
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> |
80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture |
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> |
you missed about the one book you didn't read. |
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% |
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< |
Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce |
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< |
multiple interpretations. |
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> |
90% of everything is crud. |
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% |
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< |
The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by |
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< |
the paper clip of the overlying memo and go to file. |
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> |
A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10c fuse by blowing |
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> |
first. |
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% |
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< |
On successive charts of the same organization, the number of |
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< |
boxes will never decrease. |
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> |
A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will |
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> |
self-destruct on the 61st day. |
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% |
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< |
It is ok to be ignorant in some areas, |
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< |
but some people abuse the privilege. |
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> |
A bird in hand is safer than one overhead. |
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% |
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< |
Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment |
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< |
to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime. |
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> |
A bird in the hand is dead. |
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% |
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< |
Success can be insured only by devising a defense against |
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< |
failure of the contingency plan. |
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> |
A budget is a plan that falls apart when the plumber |
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> |
has to make an emergency visit. |
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% |
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< |
Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later. |
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> |
A budget is buying a dress two sizes too small because |
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> |
it was marked down. |
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% |
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< |
Performance is directly affected by the perversity of |
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< |
inanimate objects. |
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> |
A budget is saving quarters in a mason jar for |
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> |
Christmas and spending them by Easter. |
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% |
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< |
Leakproof seals --- will. |
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> |
A budget is spending $15.00 on gas to drive to a |
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> |
shopping mall to save $4.30 on a 20 pound turkey. |
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% |
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< |
Never offend people with style |
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< |
when you can offend them with substance. |
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> |
A budget is trying to figure out how the family next |
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> |
door is doing it. |
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% |
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< |
Our customers' paperwork is profit. |
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< |
Our own paperwork is loss. |
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> |
A budget is trying to make $25.00 go as far today as |
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> |
it did when you were first married. |
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% |
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< |
At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable. |
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> |
A budget is wondering why you should balance yours |
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> |
if the government can not balance theirs. |
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% |
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< |
As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse. |
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> |
A car and a truck approaching each other on an otherwise |
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> |
deserted road will meet at the narrow bridge. |
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% |
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< |
This space for rent. |
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> |
A carelessly planned project will take three times |
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> |
longer than expected; a carefully planned project will |
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> |
take only twice as long. |
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% |
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< |
The more directives you issue to solve a problem, |
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< |
the worse it gets. |
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> |
A child will not spill on a dirty floor. |
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% |
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Cop-out number 1. |
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< |
You should have seen it when I got it. |
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> |
A closed mouth gathers no foot. |
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% |
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< |
When you're up to your ass in alligators, it is |
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< |
difficult to keep your mind on the fact that your primary |
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< |
objective was to drain the swamp. |
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> |
A complex system designed from scratch never works and |
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> |
cannot be patched up to make it work. You have to start |
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> |
over, beginning with a working simple system. |
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% |
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< |
The road to hell is paved with good intentions |
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< |
and littered with sloppy analyses! |
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> |
A complex system that works is invariably found to have |
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> |
evolved from a simple system that works. |
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% |
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< |
Self starters --- won't. |
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> |
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. |
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% |
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< |
If the assumptions are wrong, |
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< |
the conclusions aren't likely to be very good. |
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> |
A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home. |
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% |
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< |
The organization of any program reflects the organization |
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< |
of the people who developed it. |
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> |
A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not |
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> |
take place. |
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% |
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< |
There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", |
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< |
only a capitalist. |
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> |
A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the |
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> |
whole thing". |
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% |
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< |
Anything is possible, but nothing is easy. |
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> |
A day without sunshine .... |
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> |
is like ... night! |
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% |
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< |
The meek will inherit the earth |
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< |
after the rest of us go to the stars. |
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> |
A disagreeable task is its own reward. |
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% |
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< |
Capitalism can exist in one of only two states: |
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< |
welfare or warfare. |
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> |
A drug is that substance which, when injected into a |
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> |
rat, will produce a scientific report. |
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% |
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< |
History proves nothing. |
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> |
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. |
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> |
-- Klipstein |
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% |
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< |
A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much |
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< |
technological roccoco. |
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> |
A fool and his money are invited places. |
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% |
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< |
A little humility is arrogance. |
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> |
A fool and his money soon go partying. |
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% |
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< |
Interchangeable parts --- won't. |
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> |
A fool and your money are soon partners. |
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% |
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< |
Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of |
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< |
faults is proportional to the number of viewers. |
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> |
A free agent is anything but. |
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% |
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< |
All American cars are basically Chevrolets. |
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> |
A hug is the perfect gift - one size fits all, and |
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> |
nobody minds if you exchange it. |
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% |
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< |
A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not |
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< |
take place. |
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> |
A large system, produced by expanding the dimensions of |
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> |
a smaller system, does not behave like the smaller system. |
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% |
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< |
No experiment is ever a complete failure. |
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< |
It can always be used as a bad example. |
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> |
A little ambiguity never hurt anyone. |
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% |
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< |
Despite the sign that says "wet paint", |
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< |
please don't. |
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> |
A little humility is arrogance. |
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% |
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< |
Everything tastes more or less like chicken. |
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> |
A little ignorance can go a long way. |
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% |
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< |
People don't change; they only become more so. |
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> |
A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much |
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> |
technological roccoco. |
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|
% |
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< |
I finally got it all together... |
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< |
but I forgot where I put it. |
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> |
A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality. |
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% |
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< |
If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is |
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< |
because of something left out, rather than added. |
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> |
A man should be greater than some of his parts. |
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|
% |
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< |
There is always one more bug. |
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> |
A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or |
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> |
her opposition. |
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% |
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< |
The big guys always win. |
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> |
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept |
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> |
and the hours are lost. |
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% |
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< |
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. |
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> |
A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick |
| 160 |
> |
in the pants. |
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|
% |
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< |
Any sufficiently advanced technology is |
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< |
indistinguishable from magic. |
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> |
A penny saved is ... not much. |
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% |
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< |
It's always darkest just before the lights go out. |
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> |
A pessimist is an optimist with experience. |
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% |
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< |
It is better to be part of the idle rich class |
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< |
than be part of the idle poor class. |
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> |
A physician's ability is inversely proportional |
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> |
to his availability. |
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% |
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< |
Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem. |
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> |
A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered |
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> |
only during the semester following the desired course. |
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% |
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< |
For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill. |
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> |
A president of a democracy is a man who is always ready, |
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> |
willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. |
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% |
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< |
If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough |
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< |
chances are someone else will do it for you. |
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> |
A RACF protected dataset is inaccessible. |
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% |
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< |
Everybody's gotta be someplace. |
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> |
A short cut is the longest distance between two points. |
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% |
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< |
Nature is a mother. |
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> |
A shy, introverted child will choose a crowded public |
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> |
area to loudly demonstrate newly acquired vocabulary. |
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% |
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< |
If you've got them by the balls, |
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< |
their hearts and minds will follow. |
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> |
A stagnant science is at a standstill. |
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% |
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< |
People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell |
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< |
them Benjamin Franklin said it first. |
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> |
A theory is better than its explanation. |
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% |
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< |
If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset. |
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> |
A work project expands to fill the space available. |
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|
% |
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< |
Any given program, when running, is obsolete. |
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> |
Absolutely nothing in the world is friendlier than |
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> |
a wet dog. |
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|
% |
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< |
Any given program cost more and take longer. |
| 191 |
> |
Access holes will be 1/2" too small. |
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> |
Holes that are the right size will be in the wrong place. |
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% |
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< |
If a program is useful, it will be changed. |
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> |
ACF2 is a four letter word. |
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|
% |
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< |
If a program is useless, it will be documented. |
| 196 |
> |
Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later. |
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% |
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< |
Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. |
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> |
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said |
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> |
than done |
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|
% |
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< |
The value of a program is proportional |
| 202 |
< |
to the weight of its output. |
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> |
After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle |
| 202 |
> |
will repeat itself. |
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% |
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< |
Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy! |
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> |
After winning an argument with his wife, |
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> |
the wisest thing a man can do is apologize. |
| 206 |
|
% |
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< |
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability |
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< |
of the programmer who must maintain it. |
| 207 |
> |
All American cars are basically Chevrolets. |
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|
% |
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< |
Make it possible for programmers to write programs |
| 187 |
< |
in english and you will find that programmers cannot |
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< |
write in english. |
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> |
All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off. |
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|
% |
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< |
When more and more people are thrown out of work, |
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< |
unemployment results. |
| 211 |
> |
All general statements are false. (Think about it.) |
| 212 |
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% |
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< |
If you can't measure it, I'm not interested. |
| 213 |
> |
All good things must come to an end. |
| 214 |
> |
I want to know when they start! |
| 215 |
|
% |
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< |
The best way to lie is to tell the truth..... |
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< |
carefully edited truth. |
| 216 |
> |
All things being equal, all things are never equal. |
| 217 |
|
% |
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< |
There are three ways to get things done: |
| 219 |
< |
(1) Do it yourself, |
| 220 |
< |
(2) Hire someone to do it, or |
| 221 |
< |
(3) Forbid your kids to do it. |
| 218 |
> |
All things being equal, you lose. |
| 219 |
> |
|
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> |
All things being in your favor, you still lose. |
| 221 |
> |
|
| 222 |
> |
Win or lose, you lose. |
| 223 |
|
% |
| 224 |
< |
I think ... therefore I am confused. |
| 224 |
> |
All things come to him whose name is on a mailing list. |
| 225 |
|
% |
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< |
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. |
| 226 |
> |
All trails have more uphill sections than they have |
| 227 |
> |
level or downhill sections. |
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|
% |
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< |
History repeats itself. |
| 208 |
< |
that's one of the things wrong with history. |
| 229 |
> |
All warranties expire upon payment of invoice. |
| 230 |
|
% |
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< |
90% of everything is crud. |
| 231 |
> |
Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. |
| 232 |
|
% |
| 233 |
< |
Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can. |
| 233 |
> |
Among economists, the real world is often a special case. |
| 234 |
|
% |
| 235 |
< |
Those with the best advice offer no advice. |
| 235 |
> |
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his |
| 236 |
> |
own physician. |
| 237 |
|
% |
| 238 |
< |
Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman. |
| 238 |
> |
An auditor enters the battlefield after the war is over, |
| 239 |
> |
and attacks the wounded. |
| 240 |
|
% |
| 241 |
< |
Democracy is that form of government where |
| 242 |
< |
everybody gets what the majority deserves. |
| 241 |
> |
An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful |
| 242 |
> |
than a complex, incomprehensible truth. |
| 243 |
|
% |
| 244 |
< |
If you're worried about being crazy, |
| 245 |
< |
don't be overly concerned: |
| 223 |
< |
If you were, you would think you were sane. |
| 244 |
> |
An expert doesn't know any more than you do. He or she is |
| 245 |
> |
merely better organized and uses slides. |
| 246 |
|
% |
| 247 |
< |
Pills to be taken in twos always come |
| 226 |
< |
out of the bottle in threes. |
| 247 |
> |
An expert is anyone from out of town. |
| 248 |
|
% |
| 249 |
< |
Flynn is dead |
| 250 |
< |
Tron is dead |
| 251 |
< |
long live the MCP. |
| 249 |
> |
An expert is one who knows more and more about less |
| 250 |
> |
and less until he knows absolutely everything |
| 251 |
> |
about nothing. |
| 252 |
|
% |
| 253 |
< |
Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today! |
| 253 |
> |
An optimist believes we live in the best of all |
| 254 |
> |
possible worlds. |
| 255 |
> |
A pessimist fears this is true. |
| 256 |
|
% |
| 257 |
< |
Real programmers don't number paragraph names |
| 258 |
< |
consecutively. |
| 257 |
> |
An optimist is a person who looks forward to marriage. |
| 258 |
> |
A pessimist is a married optimist! |
| 259 |
|
% |
| 260 |
< |
If you're feeling good, don't worry, |
| 261 |
< |
you'll get over it. |
| 260 |
> |
An original idea can never emerge from committee |
| 261 |
> |
in its original form. |
| 262 |
|
% |
| 263 |
< |
Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages |
| 241 |
< |
of Cobol when they don't know any other language. |
| 263 |
> |
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. |
| 264 |
|
% |
| 265 |
< |
Definition of an elephant: |
| 244 |
< |
A mouse built to goverment specifications. |
| 265 |
> |
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. |
| 266 |
|
% |
| 267 |
< |
Real programmers are kind to rookies. |
| 267 |
> |
Any child who chatters non-stop at home will adamantly |
| 268 |
> |
refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate |
| 269 |
> |
for an audience. |
| 270 |
|
% |
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< |
Real programmers don't notch their desks for each |
| 272 |
< |
completed service request. |
| 271 |
> |
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which |
| 272 |
> |
is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three |
| 273 |
> |
parts which at still under development. |
| 274 |
|
% |
| 275 |
< |
You don't have to be crazy to work here |
| 276 |
< |
but it sure helps!!!!!!! |
| 275 |
> |
Any cooking utensil placed in the dishwasher will be |
| 276 |
> |
needed immediately thereafter for something else. |
| 277 |
|
% |
| 278 |
< |
Real programmers don't announce how many times the |
| 255 |
< |
operations department called them last night. |
| 278 |
> |
Any given program costs more and takes longer. |
| 279 |
|
% |
| 280 |
< |
A day without sunshine .... |
| 258 |
< |
is like ... night! |
| 280 |
> |
Any given program, when running, is obsolete. |
| 281 |
|
% |
| 282 |
< |
Real programmers are secure enough to write readable code, |
| 261 |
< |
which they then self-righteously refuse to explain. |
| 282 |
> |
Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. |
| 283 |
|
% |
| 284 |
< |
Real programmers don't play video games, they write them. |
| 284 |
> |
Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion |
| 285 |
> |
if it did occur, will occur. |
| 286 |
|
% |
| 287 |
< |
Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. |
| 287 |
> |
Any line, however short, is still too long. |
| 288 |
|
% |
| 289 |
< |
Real programmers understand Pascal. |
| 289 |
> |
Any measuring utensil used for liquid ingredients will |
| 290 |
> |
be needed immediately thereafter for dry ingredients. |
| 291 |
|
% |
| 292 |
< |
Real programmers know it's not operations' |
| 270 |
< |
fault if their jobs go into "hogs". |
| 292 |
> |
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday. |
| 293 |
|
% |
| 294 |
< |
Real programmers do not eat breakfast from the |
| 295 |
< |
vending machines. |
| 294 |
> |
Any technical problem can be overcome given enough |
| 295 |
> |
time and money. |
| 296 |
> |
|
| 297 |
> |
You are never given enough time or money. |
| 298 |
|
% |
| 299 |
< |
Real programmers punch up their own programs. |
| 299 |
> |
Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of |
| 300 |
> |
approximate, additional assumptions. |
| 301 |
|
% |
| 302 |
< |
When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade. |
| 302 |
> |
Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of |
| 303 |
> |
faults is proportional to the number of viewers. |
| 304 |
|
% |
| 305 |
< |
Real programmers have read the standards manual |
| 306 |
< |
but won't admit it. |
| 305 |
> |
Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath |
| 306 |
> |
to the exact center. |
| 307 |
|
% |
| 308 |
< |
Real programmers don't advertise their hangovers. |
| 308 |
> |
Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry. |
| 309 |
|
% |
| 310 |
< |
Real programmers don't dress for success unless |
| 311 |
< |
they are trying to convince others that they are |
| 286 |
< |
going on interviews. |
| 310 |
> |
Anyone who follows a crowd will |
| 311 |
> |
never be followed by a crowd. |
| 312 |
|
% |
| 313 |
< |
Real programmers do not practice four-syllable words before |
| 314 |
< |
walkthroughs. |
| 313 |
> |
Anything good in life either causes cancer in |
| 314 |
> |
laboratory mice or is taxed beyond reality. |
| 315 |
|
% |
| 316 |
< |
All warranties expire upon payment of invoice. |
| 316 |
> |
Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart. |
| 317 |
|
% |
| 318 |
< |
Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a |
| 294 |
< |
matter of principle. |
| 318 |
> |
Anything is possible, but nothing is easy. |
| 319 |
|
% |
| 320 |
< |
The final test is when it goes production ... |
| 321 |
< |
w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t i o n ... |
| 298 |
< |
w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t |
| 299 |
< |
w h e n i t g o e s p r o |
| 320 |
> |
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're |
| 321 |
> |
talking about. |
| 322 |
|
% |
| 323 |
< |
Real programmers drink too much coffee so that they will |
| 302 |
< |
always seem tense and overworked. |
| 323 |
> |
Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. |
| 324 |
|
% |
| 325 |
< |
Real programmers always have a better idea. |
| 325 |
> |
Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than |
| 326 |
> |
you thought. |
| 327 |
|
% |
| 328 |
< |
Anyone who follows a crowd will |
| 307 |
< |
never be followed by a crowd. |
| 328 |
> |
As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse. |
| 329 |
|
% |
| 330 |
< |
Real programmers can do octal, hexadecimal and |
| 310 |
< |
binary math in their heads. |
| 330 |
> |
Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups. |
| 331 |
|
% |
| 332 |
< |
Real programmers don't write memos. |
| 332 |
> |
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. |
| 333 |
|
% |
| 334 |
< |
Real programmers know what saad means. |
| 334 |
> |
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from |
| 335 |
> |
the aisle arrive last. |
| 336 |
|
% |
| 337 |
< |
Real programmers do not utter profanities at an elevated |
| 317 |
< |
decible level. |
| 337 |
> |
At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable. |
| 338 |
|
% |
| 339 |
< |
Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit. |
| 339 |
> |
At the end of the semester you will recall having |
| 340 |
> |
enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester |
| 341 |
> |
-- and never attending. |
| 342 |
|
% |
| 343 |
< |
Real programmers do not apply DP terminology to non-DP |
| 344 |
< |
situations. |
| 343 |
> |
Authorization for a project will be granted only when |
| 344 |
> |
none of the authorizers can be blamed if the project |
| 345 |
> |
fails but when all of the authorizers can claim credit |
| 346 |
> |
if it succeeds. |
| 347 |
|
% |
| 348 |
< |
I no longer get lost in the shuffle.... |
| 349 |
< |
I shuffle along with the lost. |
| 348 |
> |
Automotive engine repairing law: |
| 349 |
> |
If you drop something, it will never reach the ground. |
| 350 |
|
% |
| 351 |
< |
Real programmers do not read books like |
| 328 |
< |
"effective listening" and "communication skills". |
| 351 |
> |
Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed. |
| 352 |
|
% |
| 353 |
< |
Real programmers print only clean compiles, |
| 331 |
< |
fixing all errors through the terminal. |
| 353 |
> |
Bad news drives good news out of the media. |
| 354 |
|
% |
| 355 |
< |
The early worm deserves the bird. |
| 355 |
> |
Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always |
| 356 |
> |
point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark. |
| 357 |
|
% |
| 358 |
< |
Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!! |
| 358 |
> |
Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone. |
| 359 |
|
% |
| 360 |
< |
All good things must come to an end. |
| 361 |
< |
I want to know when they start! |
| 360 |
> |
Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it is, |
| 361 |
> |
(1) positive, or |
| 362 |
> |
(2) negative. |
| 363 |
> |
If both answers are the same, don't do the test. |
| 364 |
|
% |
| 365 |
< |
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell |
| 366 |
< |
in such a way that you look forward to the trip. |
| 365 |
> |
Beware of the physician who is great at getting |
| 366 |
> |
out of trouble. |
| 367 |
|
% |
| 368 |
|
Blessed are those who go around in circles, |
| 369 |
|
for they shall be known as wheels. |
| 370 |
|
% |
| 371 |
< |
Never eat prunes when you are famished. |
| 371 |
> |
Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, |
| 372 |
> |
for he shall not be disappointed. |
| 373 |
|
% |
| 374 |
< |
Keep emotionally active, |
| 375 |
< |
cater to your favorite neurosis. |
| 374 |
> |
Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and |
| 375 |
> |
knows it for he shall enjoy living. |
| 376 |
|
% |
| 377 |
< |
A RACF protected dataset is inaccessible. |
| 377 |
> |
Build a system that even a fool can use, |
| 378 |
> |
and only a fool will use it. |
| 379 |
|
% |
| 380 |
< |
RACF is a four letter word. |
| 380 |
> |
Calm down .... it is only ones and zeros. |
| 381 |
|
% |
| 382 |
< |
You may be recognized soon. |
| 356 |
< |
Hide! |
| 357 |
< |
If they find you, lie. |
| 382 |
> |
Can't produces countercan't. |
| 383 |
|
% |
| 384 |
< |
You can pray hard enough to make water run uphill |
| 385 |
< |
how hard? |
| 361 |
< |
Hard enough to make water run uphill. |
| 384 |
> |
Capitalism can exist in one of only two states: |
| 385 |
> |
welfare or warfare. |
| 386 |
|
% |
| 387 |
< |
Avoid reality at all costs. |
| 387 |
> |
Celibacy is not hereditary. |
| 388 |
|
% |
| 389 |
< |
Program design philosophy: |
| 390 |
< |
|
| 367 |
< |
Start at the beginning and continue until the end, |
| 368 |
< |
then stop. |
| 369 |
< |
-- Lewis Carroll |
| 389 |
> |
Class schedules are designed so that every student will |
| 390 |
> |
waste the maximum time between classes. |
| 391 |
|
% |
| 392 |
< |
A closed mouth gathers no foot. |
| 392 |
> |
Cleanliness is next to impossible. |
| 393 |
|
% |
| 394 |
< |
Only a mediocre person is always at their best. |
| 394 |
> |
Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce |
| 395 |
> |
multiple interpretations. |
| 396 |
|
% |
| 397 |
< |
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. |
| 397 |
> |
"Close" only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and |
| 398 |
> |
thermonuclear devices. |
| 399 |
|
% |
| 400 |
< |
In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, |
| 378 |
< |
the greater the confusion. |
| 400 |
> |
Common sense is not so common. |
| 401 |
|
% |
| 402 |
< |
The first time is for love. |
| 403 |
< |
The next time is $200. |
| 402 |
> |
Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand |
| 403 |
> |
wrong answers. |
| 404 |
|
% |
| 405 |
< |
Of two possible events, |
| 384 |
< |
only the undesired one will occur. |
| 405 |
> |
Complex systems tend to oppose their own proper function. |
| 406 |
|
% |
| 407 |
< |
The faster the plane, |
| 387 |
< |
the narrower the seats. |
| 407 |
> |
Complicated systems produce unexpected outcomes. |
| 408 |
|
% |
| 409 |
< |
If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know. |
| 409 |
> |
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for |
| 410 |
> |
a number and then give it back to them. |
| 411 |
|
% |
| 412 |
< |
If on an actuarial basis there is a 50 50 chance that |
| 392 |
< |
something will go wrong, |
| 393 |
< |
It will actually go wrong nine times out of ten. |
| 412 |
> |
Consumer assistance doesn't. |
| 413 |
|
% |
| 414 |
< |
A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality. |
| 414 |
> |
Cop-out number 1. |
| 415 |
> |
You should have seen it when I got it. |
| 416 |
|
% |
| 417 |
< |
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to |
| 418 |
< |
save all of the parts. |
| 417 |
> |
Cost of repair can be determined by multiplying the |
| 418 |
> |
cost of your new coat by 1.75, or by multiplying the |
| 419 |
> |
cost of a new washer by .75. |
| 420 |
|
% |
| 421 |
< |
1) Things will get worse before they get better. |
| 401 |
< |
2) Who said things would get better? |
| 421 |
> |
Create problems for which only you have the answer. |
| 422 |
|
% |
| 423 |
< |
If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it. |
| 423 |
> |
Definition of an elephant: |
| 424 |
> |
A mouse built to government specifications. |
| 425 |
|
% |
| 426 |
< |
There is a solution to every problem; |
| 427 |
< |
the only difficulty is finding it. |
| 426 |
> |
Democracy is that form of government where |
| 427 |
> |
everybody gets what the majority deserves. |
| 428 |
|
% |
| 429 |
< |
Don't make your doctor your heir. |
| 429 |
> |
Despite the sign that says "wet paint", |
| 430 |
> |
please don't. |
| 431 |
|
% |
| 432 |
+ |
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. |
| 433 |
+ |
% |
| 434 |
+ |
Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do. |
| 435 |
+ |
% |
| 436 |
|
Don't ask the barber if you need a haircut. |
| 437 |
|
% |
| 438 |
< |
If there isn't a law, there will be. |
| 438 |
> |
Don't bite the hand that has your pay check in it. |
| 439 |
|
% |
| 440 |
< |
If you don't like the answer, |
| 415 |
< |
you shouldn't have asked the question. |
| 440 |
> |
Don't fight with a bear in his own cage. |
| 441 |
|
% |
| 442 |
< |
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. |
| 442 |
> |
Don't force it, |
| 443 |
> |
get a bigger hammer. |
| 444 |
|
% |
| 445 |
< |
You can't expect to hit the jackpot |
| 446 |
< |
if you don't put a few nickles in the machine. |
| 445 |
> |
Don't let your superiors know you're better than |
| 446 |
> |
they are. |
| 447 |
|
% |
| 448 |
< |
Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man |
| 423 |
< |
in the balls, not even symbolically or perhaps especially |
| 424 |
< |
not symbolically. |
| 448 |
> |
Don't look back, something may be gaining on you. |
| 449 |
|
% |
| 450 |
< |
Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse |
| 427 |
< |
proportion to their soundness and validity. |
| 450 |
> |
Don't make your doctor your heir. |
| 451 |
|
% |
| 452 |
< |
A short cut is the longest distance between two points. |
| 452 |
> |
Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy! |
| 453 |
|
% |
| 454 |
< |
If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor. |
| 454 |
> |
Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost. |
| 455 |
|
% |
| 456 |
< |
If you know, you can't say. |
| 456 |
> |
Don't smoke in bed - the ashes on the floor might be your |
| 457 |
> |
own. |
| 458 |
|
% |
| 459 |
< |
The meek shall inherit the earth, |
| 460 |
< |
but not its mineral rights. |
| 459 |
> |
Don't stop to stomp on ants |
| 460 |
> |
when the elephants are stampeding. |
| 461 |
|
% |
| 462 |
< |
1) You can't win |
| 463 |
< |
2) You can't break even |
| 440 |
< |
3) You can't even quit the game |
| 462 |
> |
During the time an item is on back-order, it will be |
| 463 |
> |
available cheaper and quicker from many other sources. |
| 464 |
|
% |
| 465 |
< |
When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. |
| 465 |
> |
Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem. |
| 466 |
|
% |
| 467 |
< |
Common sense is not so common. |
| 467 |
> |
Easy doesn't do it. |
| 468 |
|
% |
| 469 |
< |
If we learn by our mistakes, |
| 470 |
< |
I'm getting one hell of an education!! |
| 469 |
> |
Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing |
| 470 |
> |
worse will happen to you the rest of the day. |
| 471 |
|
% |
| 472 |
< |
Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the |
| 450 |
< |
embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs. |
| 472 |
> |
Entropy has us outnumbered. |
| 473 |
|
% |
| 474 |
< |
Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation |
| 475 |
< |
for being useful. |
| 474 |
> |
Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick |
| 475 |
> |
them will stick to other things when you don't want |
| 476 |
> |
them to. |
| 477 |
|
% |
| 478 |
< |
You will always find something in the last place you look. |
| 478 |
> |
Even paranoids have enemies. |
| 479 |
|
% |
| 480 |
< |
The probability of anything happening is in |
| 458 |
< |
inverse ratio to its desirability. |
| 480 |
> |
Even water tastes bad when taken on doctors orders. |
| 481 |
|
% |
| 482 |
< |
The first myth of management is that it exists |
| 483 |
< |
the second myth of management is that success equals skill. |
| 482 |
> |
Every great idea has a disadvantage equal to or |
| 483 |
> |
exceeding the greatness of the idea. |
| 484 |
|
% |
| 485 |
< |
If it's good they will stop making it. |
| 485 |
> |
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. |
| 486 |
|
% |
| 487 |
< |
Inside every large program |
| 488 |
< |
is a small program struggling to get out. |
| 487 |
> |
Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since |
| 488 |
> |
nobody listens. |
| 489 |
|
% |
| 490 |
< |
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader |
| 469 |
< |
but to protect the writer. |
| 490 |
> |
Everybody wants a pain shot at the same time. |
| 491 |
|
% |
| 492 |
< |
Never insult an alligator |
| 493 |
< |
until after you have crossed the river. |
| 492 |
> |
Everybody who didn't want a pain shot when you were |
| 493 |
> |
passing out pain shots wants one when you are passing |
| 494 |
> |
out sleeping pills. |
| 495 |
|
% |
| 496 |
< |
Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart. |
| 496 |
> |
Everybody's gotta be someplace. |
| 497 |
|
% |
| 498 |
< |
When your opponent is down, kick him. |
| 498 |
> |
Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment |
| 499 |
> |
to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime. |
| 500 |
|
% |
| 501 |
< |
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of |
| 502 |
< |
someone he can blame it on. |
| 501 |
> |
Everyone gets away with something. |
| 502 |
> |
No one gets away with everything. |
| 503 |
|
% |
| 504 |
< |
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered |
| 482 |
< |
side down is directly proportional to the cost of the |
| 483 |
< |
carpet. |
| 504 |
> |
Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. |
| 505 |
|
% |
| 506 |
< |
In the fight between you and the world, back the world. |
| 506 |
> |
Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually |
| 507 |
> |
plunge into the Atlantic ocean. |
| 508 |
|
% |
| 509 |
< |
Last guys don't finish nice. |
| 509 |
> |
Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between. |
| 510 |
|
% |
| 511 |
< |
Never admit anything. |
| 490 |
< |
Never regret anything |
| 491 |
< |
whatever it is, you're not responsible. |
| 511 |
> |
Everything is contagious. |
| 512 |
|
% |
| 513 |
< |
If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong. |
| 513 |
> |
Everything is revealed to he who turns over enough stones. |
| 514 |
> |
(Including the snakes that he did not want to find.) |
| 515 |
|
% |
| 516 |
< |
When working toward the solution of a problem, |
| 496 |
< |
it always helps if you know the answer. |
| 497 |
< |
Provided of course you know there is a problem. |
| 516 |
> |
Everything may be divided into as many parts as you please. |
| 517 |
|
% |
| 518 |
< |
The usefulness of any meeting |
| 500 |
< |
is in inverse proportion to the attendance. |
| 518 |
> |
Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. |
| 519 |
|
% |
| 520 |
< |
The sun goes down just when you need it the most. |
| 520 |
> |
Everything takes longer than you expect. |
| 521 |
|
% |
| 522 |
< |
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary |
| 523 |
< |
drivel off the tv screen. |
| 522 |
> |
Exciting plays occur only while you are watching the |
| 523 |
> |
scoreboard or out buying a hot dog. |
| 524 |
|
% |
| 525 |
< |
Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest |
| 508 |
< |
number must happen. |
| 525 |
> |
Fact is solidified opinion. |
| 526 |
|
% |
| 527 |
< |
No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after |
| 511 |
< |
you have bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper. |
| 527 |
> |
Facts may weaken under extreme heat and pressure. |
| 528 |
|
% |
| 529 |
< |
Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line. |
| 529 |
> |
Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed |
| 530 |
> |
talent. |
| 531 |
|
% |
| 532 |
< |
A disagreeable task is its own reward. |
| 532 |
> |
Flynn is dead |
| 533 |
> |
Tron is dead |
| 534 |
> |
long live the MCP. |
| 535 |
|
% |
| 536 |
< |
If things were left to chance, they'd be better. |
| 536 |
> |
Fools rush in -- and get the best seats. |
| 537 |
|
% |
| 538 |
< |
The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk |
| 539 |
< |
to the other end of the building. |
| 538 |
> |
For every action, there is an equal and opposite |
| 539 |
> |
criticism. |
| 540 |
|
% |
| 541 |
< |
Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry. |
| 541 |
> |
For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill. |
| 542 |
|
% |
| 543 |
< |
A president of a democracy is a man who is always ready, |
| 525 |
< |
willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. |
| 543 |
> |
For every credibility gap there is a gullibility gap. |
| 544 |
|
% |
| 545 |
< |
If a thing is done wrong ofter enough |
| 546 |
< |
it becomes right. |
| 545 |
> |
For every human problem, there is a neat, plain solution -- |
| 546 |
> |
and it is always wrong. |
| 547 |
|
% |
| 548 |
< |
People will buy anything that is one to a customer. |
| 548 |
> |
For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision. |
| 549 |
|
% |
| 550 |
< |
If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always |
| 533 |
< |
manage to boot yourself in the posterior. |
| 550 |
> |
Forgive and remember. |
| 551 |
|
% |
| 552 |
< |
No one's life, liberty, or property are safe |
| 553 |
< |
while the legislature is in session. |
| 552 |
> |
Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse |
| 553 |
> |
proportion to their soundness and validity. |
| 554 |
|
% |
| 555 |
< |
Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job. |
| 555 |
> |
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. |
| 556 |
|
% |
| 557 |
< |
Bad news drives good news out of the media. |
| 557 |
> |
Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the |
| 558 |
> |
embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs. |
| 559 |
|
% |
| 560 |
< |
Just when you get really good at something, |
| 543 |
< |
you don't need to do it anymore. |
| 560 |
> |
Go where the money is. |
| 561 |
|
% |
| 562 |
< |
If facts do not conform to the theory, |
| 546 |
< |
they must be disposed of. |
| 562 |
> |
He who dies with the most toys wins. |
| 563 |
|
% |
| 564 |
< |
Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. |
| 564 |
> |
He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from |
| 565 |
> |
the next freeway exit. |
| 566 |
|
% |
| 567 |
< |
When properly administered, vacations do not diminish |
| 551 |
< |
productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing |
| 552 |
< |
done, there is another week when your boss is away and you |
| 553 |
< |
get twice as much done. |
| 567 |
> |
He who laughs last -- probably didn't get the joke. |
| 568 |
|
% |
| 569 |
< |
No matter what happens, there is always somebody |
| 556 |
< |
who knew that it would. |
| 569 |
> |
He who marries for money ... better be nice to his wife. |
| 570 |
|
% |
| 571 |
< |
The other line always moves faster. |
| 571 |
> |
Hindsight is an exact science. |
| 572 |
|
% |
| 573 |
< |
Never eat at a place called moms, never play cards with a |
| 574 |
< |
man named doc, and never lie down with a woman who has |
| 562 |
< |
got more troubles than you. |
| 573 |
> |
History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely |
| 574 |
> |
repeat each other. |
| 575 |
|
% |
| 576 |
< |
To get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it. |
| 576 |
> |
History proves nothing. |
| 577 |
|
% |
| 578 |
< |
When all else fails, read the instructions. |
| 578 |
> |
History repeats itself. |
| 579 |
> |
that's one of the things wrong with history. |
| 580 |
|
% |
| 581 |
< |
Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than |
| 582 |
< |
you thought. |
| 581 |
> |
Hockey is a game played by six good players and the |
| 582 |
> |
home team. |
| 583 |
|
% |
| 584 |
< |
"Close" only counts in horseshoes, handgrenades and |
| 572 |
< |
thermonuclear devices. |
| 584 |
> |
Hollerith got us into this hole mess! |
| 585 |
|
% |
| 586 |
< |
The lion and the calf shall lie down together, |
| 575 |
< |
but the calf won't get much sleep. |
| 586 |
> |
Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass. |
| 587 |
|
% |
| 588 |
< |
If you fool around with a thing for very long you will |
| 578 |
< |
screw it up. |
| 588 |
> |
How did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented? |
| 589 |
|
% |
| 590 |
< |
It is better for civilization to be going down the drain, |
| 581 |
< |
than to be coming up it. |
| 590 |
> |
How do they know no two snowflakes are alike? |
| 591 |
|
% |
| 592 |
< |
A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10c fuse by blowing |
| 593 |
< |
first. |
| 592 |
> |
How long a minute is depends on which side of the |
| 593 |
> |
bathroom door you're on. |
| 594 |
|
% |
| 595 |
< |
Justice always prevails... |
| 596 |
< |
three times out of seven. |
| 595 |
> |
I can only please one person per day. |
| 596 |
> |
Today is not your day. |
| 597 |
> |
(Tomorrow isn't looking good either.) |
| 598 |
|
% |
| 599 |
< |
If it jams --- force it. If it breaks, |
| 600 |
< |
it needed replacing anyway. |
| 599 |
> |
I finally got it all together... |
| 600 |
> |
but I forgot where I put it. |
| 601 |
|
% |
| 602 |
+ |
I have not lost my mind, it is backed up on tape somewhere. |
| 603 |
+ |
% |
| 604 |
|
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, |
| 605 |
|
when you looked at it in the right way, did not become |
| 606 |
|
still more complicated. |
| 607 |
|
-- Poul Anderson |
| 608 |
|
% |
| 609 |
< |
Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath |
| 610 |
< |
to the exact center. |
| 609 |
> |
I know you believe you understand |
| 610 |
> |
what you think I said, |
| 611 |
> |
however, I am not sure you realize, |
| 612 |
> |
that what I think you heard |
| 613 |
> |
is not what I meant |
| 614 |
|
% |
| 615 |
< |
No matter which direction you start, |
| 616 |
< |
it's always against the wind coming back. |
| 615 |
> |
I no longer get lost in the shuffle.... |
| 616 |
> |
I shuffle along with the lost. |
| 617 |
|
% |
| 618 |
< |
The repairman will never have seen a model quite like |
| 604 |
< |
yours before. |
| 618 |
> |
I think ... therefore I am confused. |
| 619 |
|
% |
| 620 |
< |
Don't force it, |
| 607 |
< |
get a bigger hammer. |
| 620 |
> |
If a program is useful, it will be changed. |
| 621 |
|
% |
| 622 |
< |
When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, |
| 610 |
< |
it will work perfectly. |
| 622 |
> |
If a program is useless, it will be documented. |
| 623 |
|
% |
| 624 |
< |
An optimist is a person who looks forward to marriage. |
| 625 |
< |
A pessimist is a married optimist! |
| 624 |
> |
If a scientist uncovers a publishable fact, it will |
| 625 |
> |
become central to his theory. |
| 626 |
> |
|
| 627 |
> |
His theory, in turn, will become central to all |
| 628 |
> |
scientific truth. |
| 629 |
|
% |
| 630 |
< |
A pessimist is an optimist with experience. |
| 630 |
> |
If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in |
| 631 |
> |
the worst possible sequence. |
| 632 |
|
% |
| 633 |
< |
Old programmers never die - they just abend. |
| 633 |
> |
If a situation requires undivided attention, it will |
| 634 |
> |
occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction. |
| 635 |
|
% |
| 636 |
< |
The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, |
| 637 |
< |
even in the wrong denomination. |
| 636 |
> |
If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two |
| 637 |
> |
data points. |
| 638 |
|
% |
| 639 |
< |
Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet |
| 640 |
< |
somebody moves the ends! |
| 639 |
> |
If a thing is done wrong often enough |
| 640 |
> |
it becomes right. |
| 641 |
|
% |
| 625 |
– |
Just because you are paranoid |
| 626 |
– |
doesn't mean "they" aren't out to get you. |
| 627 |
– |
% |
| 628 |
– |
An Irishman is not drunk as long as |
| 629 |
– |
he can hang onto a single blade of grass |
| 630 |
– |
and not fall off the face of the earth. |
| 631 |
– |
% |
| 642 |
|
If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong |
| 643 |
|
equipment. |
| 644 |
|
% |
| 645 |
< |
Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, |
| 646 |
< |
some prefer to just gargle. |
| 645 |
> |
If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be |
| 646 |
> |
implemented, it wasn't worth doing. |
| 647 |
|
% |
| 648 |
< |
Everything is revealed to he who turns over enough stones. |
| 649 |
< |
(Including the snakes that he did not want to find.) |
| 648 |
> |
If an item is advertised as "under $50," you can bet |
| 649 |
> |
it's not $19.95. |
| 650 |
|
% |
| 651 |
< |
Everybody should believe in something; |
| 642 |
< |
I believe I'll have another drink. |
| 651 |
> |
If anything can go wrong, it will. |
| 652 |
|
% |
| 653 |
< |
Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least. |
| 653 |
> |
If anything can't go wrong it will. |
| 654 |
|
% |
| 655 |
< |
Build a system that even a fool can use, |
| 647 |
< |
and only a fool will use it. |
| 655 |
> |
If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries. |
| 656 |
|
% |
| 657 |
< |
Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. |
| 657 |
> |
If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset. |
| 658 |
|
% |
| 659 |
< |
In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level |
| 652 |
< |
of incompetence, and then remains there. |
| 659 |
> |
If at first you don't succeed, try something else. |
| 660 |
|
% |
| 661 |
< |
It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick |
| 662 |
< |
up something from the floor while you get up. |
| 661 |
> |
If at first you don't succeed, |
| 662 |
> |
blame it on your supervisor. |
| 663 |
|
% |
| 664 |
< |
You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash |
| 665 |
< |
when the garbage truck is two doors away. |
| 664 |
> |
If daily class attendance is mandatory, a scheduled |
| 665 |
> |
exam will produce increased absenteeism. If attendance |
| 666 |
> |
is optional, a scheduled exam will produce persons you |
| 667 |
> |
have never seen before. |
| 668 |
|
% |
| 669 |
< |
Misery no longer loves company |
| 661 |
< |
nowdays it insists on it. |
| 669 |
> |
If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it. |
| 670 |
|
% |
| 671 |
< |
The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the |
| 672 |
< |
strong, but that's the way to bet. |
| 671 |
> |
If everything is coming your way, you're in the |
| 672 |
> |
wrong lane. |
| 673 |
|
% |
| 674 |
< |
Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it. |
| 674 |
> |
If everything seems to be going well, |
| 675 |
> |
you obviously don't know what the hell is going on. |
| 676 |
|
% |
| 677 |
< |
There's never time to do it right, but there's always |
| 678 |
< |
time to do it over. |
| 677 |
> |
If facts do not conform to the theory, |
| 678 |
> |
they must be disposed of. |
| 679 |
|
% |
| 680 |
< |
On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone |
| 672 |
< |
can be unhappy -- but we will work on it. |
| 680 |
> |
If his IQ was any lower he'd be a plant. |
| 681 |
|
% |
| 674 |
– |
When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. |
| 675 |
– |
% |
| 676 |
– |
The more ridiculous a belief system, |
| 677 |
– |
the higher probability of its success. |
| 678 |
– |
% |
| 679 |
– |
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or |
| 680 |
– |
fattening. |
| 681 |
– |
% |
| 682 |
– |
Old age is always fifteen years older than I am. |
| 683 |
– |
% |
| 684 |
– |
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. |
| 685 |
– |
% |
| 686 |
– |
A bird in hand is safer than one overhead. |
| 687 |
– |
% |
| 688 |
– |
The ratio of time involved in work to time available for |
| 689 |
– |
work is usually about 0.6 |
| 690 |
– |
% |
| 691 |
– |
Remember the golden rule: |
| 692 |
– |
Those that have the gold make the rules. |
| 693 |
– |
% |
| 694 |
– |
Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and |
| 695 |
– |
knows it for he shall enjoy living. |
| 696 |
– |
% |
| 697 |
– |
Everything east of the San Andreas fault will evenutally |
| 698 |
– |
plunge into the Atlantic ocean. |
| 699 |
– |
% |
| 700 |
– |
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. |
| 701 |
– |
% |
| 702 |
– |
Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, |
| 703 |
– |
for he shall not be disappointed. |
| 704 |
– |
% |
| 705 |
– |
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of |
| 706 |
– |
an oncoming train. |
| 707 |
– |
% |
| 708 |
– |
Celibacy is not hereditary. |
| 709 |
– |
% |
| 710 |
– |
You can observe a lot just by watching. |
| 711 |
– |
% |
| 682 |
|
If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, |
| 683 |
|
you will borrow it and |
| 684 |
|
you will break it. |
| 685 |
|
% |
| 686 |
< |
Live within your income, |
| 717 |
< |
even if you have to borrow to do so. |
| 686 |
> |
If it happens, it must be possible. |
| 687 |
|
% |
| 688 |
< |
Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone. |
| 688 |
> |
If it jams --- force it. If it breaks, |
| 689 |
> |
it needed replacing anyway. |
| 690 |
|
% |
| 691 |
< |
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. |
| 691 |
> |
If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just |
| 692 |
> |
become the expert. |
| 693 |
|
% |
| 694 |
< |
To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression. |
| 694 |
> |
If it weren't for the opinion polls we'd never know |
| 695 |
> |
what people are undecided about. |
| 696 |
|
% |
| 697 |
< |
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. |
| 697 |
> |
If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company |
| 698 |
> |
will insist upon repairing the old one. |
| 699 |
|
% |
| 700 |
< |
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. |
| 700 |
> |
If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the |
| 701 |
> |
company will insist on the latest model. |
| 702 |
|
% |
| 703 |
< |
A bird in the hand is dead. |
| 703 |
> |
If it's clean, it isn't laundry. |
| 704 |
|
% |
| 705 |
< |
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. |
| 705 |
> |
If it's good, they discontinue it. |
| 706 |
|
% |
| 707 |
< |
Never put all your eggs in your pocket. |
| 707 |
> |
If it's good they will stop making it. |
| 708 |
|
% |
| 709 |
< |
If everything seems to be going well, |
| 736 |
< |
you obviously don't know what the hell is going on. |
| 709 |
> |
If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. |
| 710 |
|
% |
| 738 |
– |
If at first you don't succeed, |
| 739 |
– |
blame it on your supervisor. |
| 740 |
– |
% |
| 711 |
|
If more than one person is responsible for a |
| 712 |
|
miscalculation, no one will be at fault. |
| 713 |
|
% |
| 714 |
< |
Don't bite the hand that has your pay check in it. |
| 714 |
> |
If Murphy's law can go wrong, it will. |
| 715 |
|
% |
| 716 |
< |
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. |
| 716 |
> |
If not controlled, work will flow to the competent |
| 717 |
> |
man until he submerges. |
| 718 |
|
% |
| 719 |
< |
When in doubt, mumble. |
| 720 |
< |
When in trouble, delegate. |
| 721 |
< |
When in charge, ponder. |
| 719 |
> |
If on an actuarial basis there is a 50/50 chance that |
| 720 |
> |
something will go wrong, |
| 721 |
> |
It will actually go wrong nine times out of ten. |
| 722 |
|
% |
| 723 |
< |
Please don't steal, the IRS hates competition! |
| 723 |
> |
If one views his problem closely enough he will |
| 724 |
> |
recognize himself as part of the problem. |
| 725 |
|
% |
| 726 |
< |
Never argue with a fool, |
| 727 |
< |
people might not know the difference. |
| 726 |
> |
If only one price can be obtained for any quotation, |
| 727 |
> |
the price will be unreasonable. |
| 728 |
|
% |
| 729 |
< |
You can't guard against the arbitrary. |
| 729 |
> |
If opportunity came disguised as temptation, |
| 730 |
> |
one knock would be enough. |
| 731 |
|
% |
| 732 |
< |
People can be divided into three groups: |
| 733 |
< |
Those who make things happen, |
| 761 |
< |
Those who watch things happen and |
| 762 |
< |
Those who wonder what happened. |
| 732 |
> |
If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of |
| 733 |
> |
change will exceed the rate of progress. |
| 734 |
|
% |
| 735 |
< |
The one thing that money can not buy is poverty. |
| 735 |
> |
If reproducibility may be a problem conduct the |
| 736 |
> |
test only once. |
| 737 |
|
% |
| 738 |
< |
You are not drunk if you can lay on the floor without |
| 739 |
< |
holding on. |
| 738 |
> |
If several things that could have gone wrong have not |
| 739 |
> |
gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial |
| 740 |
> |
for them to have gone wrong. |
| 741 |
|
% |
| 742 |
< |
In any household, junk accumulates to the space |
| 743 |
< |
available for its storage. |
| 742 |
> |
If the assumptions are wrong, |
| 743 |
> |
the conclusions aren't likely to be very good. |
| 744 |
|
% |
| 745 |
< |
Don't stop to stomp on ants |
| 746 |
< |
when the elephants are stampeding. |
| 745 |
> |
If the course you wanted most has room for 'n' students |
| 746 |
> |
you will be the 'n + 1' to apply. |
| 747 |
|
% |
| 748 |
< |
The longer the title the less important the job. |
| 748 |
> |
If the faulty part is in stock, it didn't need replacing |
| 749 |
> |
in the first place. |
| 750 |
|
% |
| 751 |
< |
Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion |
| 752 |
< |
if it did occur, will occur. |
| 751 |
> |
If there are only two shows worth watching, they will |
| 752 |
> |
be on together. |
| 753 |
|
% |
| 754 |
< |
When you are right be logical, |
| 781 |
< |
when you are wrong be-fuddle. |
| 754 |
> |
If there isn't a law, there will be. |
| 755 |
|
% |
| 756 |
< |
For every human problem, there is a neat, plain solution -- |
| 757 |
< |
and it is always wrong. |
| 756 |
> |
If there was any justice in this world, people would |
| 757 |
> |
occasionally be permitted to fly over pigeons. |
| 758 |
|
% |
| 759 |
< |
There are no winners in life: Only survivors. |
| 759 |
> |
If things were left to chance, they'd be better. |
| 760 |
|
% |
| 761 |
< |
When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad. |
| 761 |
> |
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. |
| 762 |
> |
-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter |
| 763 |
|
% |
| 764 |
< |
The yoo-hoo you yoo-hoo into the forest is the yoo-hoo you |
| 765 |
< |
get back. |
| 764 |
> |
If we learn by our mistakes, |
| 765 |
> |
I'm getting one hell of an education!! |
| 766 |
|
% |
| 767 |
< |
You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it. |
| 767 |
> |
If you allow someone to get in front of you either: |
| 768 |
> |
(1) The car in front will be the last one over a |
| 769 |
> |
railroad crossing, and you will be stuck waiting |
| 770 |
> |
for a long, slow-moving train; or |
| 771 |
> |
(2) you both will have the same destination and the |
| 772 |
> |
other car will get the last parking space. |
| 773 |
|
% |
| 774 |
< |
The idea is to die young as late as possible. |
| 774 |
> |
If you are already in a hole, there's no use to continue |
| 775 |
> |
digging. |
| 776 |
|
% |
| 777 |
< |
No man is lonely while eating spaghetti. |
| 777 |
> |
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget |
| 778 |
> |
your book. |
| 779 |
> |
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget |
| 780 |
> |
where you live. |
| 781 |
|
% |
| 782 |
< |
It's better to retire too soon than too late. |
| 782 |
> |
If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe, |
| 783 |
> |
there won't be any left by the time they are ripe. If |
| 784 |
> |
you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten. |
| 785 |
|
% |
| 786 |
< |
A man should be greater than some of his parts. |
| 786 |
> |
If you can get the faulty part off, the parts house |
| 787 |
> |
will have it back-ordered. |
| 788 |
|
% |
| 789 |
< |
If you don't say it, they can't repeat it. |
| 789 |
> |
If you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the |
| 790 |
> |
tool to get it off. |
| 791 |
|
% |
| 792 |
< |
Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. |
| 792 |
> |
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing |
| 793 |
> |
theirs, then you just don't understand the problem. |
| 794 |
|
% |
| 795 |
< |
Everything takes longer than you expect. |
| 795 |
> |
If you can't convince them, confuse them. |
| 796 |
|
% |
| 797 |
< |
Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse. |
| 797 |
> |
If you can't measure it, I'm not interested. |
| 798 |
|
% |
| 799 |
< |
If you see that there are four possible ways in which a |
| 812 |
< |
procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a |
| 813 |
< |
fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. |
| 799 |
> |
If you can't measure output then you measure input. |
| 800 |
|
% |
| 801 |
< |
Things get worse under pressure. |
| 801 |
> |
If you change lines, the one you just left will start |
| 802 |
> |
to move faster than the one you are now in. |
| 803 |
|
% |
| 804 |
< |
Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional |
| 805 |
< |
and employ faulty reasoning. |
| 804 |
> |
If you do something right once, someone will ask |
| 805 |
> |
you to do it again. |
| 806 |
|
% |
| 807 |
< |
A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home. |
| 807 |
> |
If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. |
| 808 |
|
% |
| 809 |
< |
Progress is made on alternate Fridays. |
| 809 |
> |
If you don't like the answer, |
| 810 |
> |
you shouldn't have asked the question. |
| 811 |
|
% |
| 812 |
< |
The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the |
| 825 |
< |
time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent. |
| 812 |
> |
If you don't say it, they can't repeat it. |
| 813 |
|
% |
| 814 |
< |
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. |
| 814 |
> |
If you don't write to complain, you'll never receive |
| 815 |
> |
your order. |
| 816 |
> |
If you do write, you'll receive the merchandise before |
| 817 |
> |
your angry letter reaches its destination. |
| 818 |
|
% |
| 819 |
< |
Don't look back, something may be gaining on you. |
| 819 |
> |
If you fool around with a thing for very long you will |
| 820 |
> |
screw it up. |
| 821 |
|
% |
| 822 |
< |
All things being equal, all things are never equal. |
| 822 |
> |
If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man, he |
| 823 |
> |
will find an easier way to do it. |
| 824 |
|
% |
| 825 |
< |
Even paranoids have enemies. |
| 825 |
> |
If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong. |
| 826 |
|
% |
| 827 |
< |
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. |
| 827 |
> |
If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough |
| 828 |
> |
chances are someone else will do it for you. |
| 829 |
|
% |
| 830 |
< |
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet |
| 838 |
< |
reached their level of incompetence. |
| 830 |
> |
If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know. |
| 831 |
|
% |
| 832 |
< |
If at first you don't succeed, try something else. |
| 832 |
> |
If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two |
| 833 |
> |
new parking spaces right in front of the building |
| 834 |
> |
entrance. |
| 835 |
|
% |
| 836 |
< |
If you're coasting, you're going downhill. |
| 836 |
> |
If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch |
| 837 |
> |
it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode. |
| 838 |
|
% |
| 839 |
< |
Never tell them what you wouldn't do. |
| 839 |
> |
If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember |
| 840 |
> |
you - the next time he's in need. |
| 841 |
|
% |
| 842 |
< |
The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely |
| 843 |
< |
proportional to the subject's true value. |
| 842 |
> |
If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always |
| 843 |
> |
manage to boot yourself in the posterior. |
| 844 |
|
% |
| 845 |
< |
Indifference is the only sure defense. |
| 845 |
> |
If you know, you can't say. |
| 846 |
|
% |
| 847 |
< |
Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest. |
| 847 |
> |
If you leave the room, you're elected. |
| 848 |
|
% |
| 849 |
< |
If you want to get along, go along. |
| 849 |
> |
If you lived here you'd be home now. |
| 850 |
|
% |
| 855 |
– |
Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between. |
| 856 |
– |
% |
| 857 |
– |
The easiest way to find something lost around the house |
| 858 |
– |
is to buy a replacement. |
| 859 |
– |
% |
| 860 |
– |
Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always |
| 861 |
– |
point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark. |
| 862 |
– |
% |
| 863 |
– |
Make three correct guesses consectively and you will |
| 864 |
– |
establish yourself as an expert. |
| 865 |
– |
% |
| 866 |
– |
It works better if you plug it in. |
| 867 |
– |
% |
| 868 |
– |
Quit while you're still behind. |
| 869 |
– |
% |
| 851 |
|
If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, |
| 852 |
|
you better wear work shoes. |
| 853 |
|
% |
| 854 |
< |
It's always easier to go down hill, but the view is |
| 855 |
< |
from the top. |
| 854 |
> |
If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent |
| 855 |
> |
of doing you good, you should run for your life. |
| 856 |
|
% |
| 857 |
< |
Any line, however short, is still too long. |
| 857 |
> |
If you see that there are four possible ways in which a |
| 858 |
> |
procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a |
| 859 |
> |
fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. |
| 860 |
|
% |
| 861 |
< |
Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten. |
| 861 |
> |
If you smile when everything goes wrong, you are |
| 862 |
> |
either a nitwit or a repairman. |
| 863 |
|
% |
| 864 |
< |
If you can't measure output then you measure input. |
| 864 |
> |
If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it. |
| 865 |
|
% |
| 866 |
< |
Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of |
| 867 |
< |
approximate, additional assumptions. |
| 866 |
> |
If you wait, it will go away |
| 867 |
> |
... having done it's damage. |
| 868 |
> |
If it was bad, it'll be back. |
| 869 |
|
% |
| 870 |
< |
Never be first to do anything. |
| 870 |
> |
If you want to get along, go along. |
| 871 |
|
% |
| 872 |
< |
The chief cause of problems is solutions. |
| 872 |
> |
If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor. |
| 873 |
|
% |
| 874 |
< |
The only winner in the war of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. |
| 874 |
> |
If your condition seems to be getting better, it's |
| 875 |
> |
probably your doctor getting sick. |
| 876 |
|
% |
| 877 |
< |
A little ignorance can go a long way. |
| 877 |
> |
If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is |
| 878 |
> |
because of something left out, rather than added. |
| 879 |
|
% |
| 880 |
< |
Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it. |
| 880 |
> |
If you're coasting, you're going downhill. |
| 881 |
|
% |
| 882 |
< |
Entropy has us outnumbered. |
| 882 |
> |
If you're early, it'll be canceled. |
| 883 |
> |
If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will |
| 884 |
> |
have to wait. |
| 885 |
> |
If you're late, you will be too late. |
| 886 |
|
% |
| 887 |
< |
Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. |
| 887 |
> |
If you're feeling good, don't worry, |
| 888 |
> |
you'll get over it. |
| 889 |
|
% |
| 890 |
< |
Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do. |
| 890 |
> |
If you're wondering if you have enough money to take |
| 891 |
> |
the family out to eat tonight, you don't. |
| 892 |
|
% |
| 893 |
< |
A little ambiguity never hurt anyone. |
| 893 |
> |
If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot |
| 894 |
> |
plugged in, you did. |
| 895 |
|
% |
| 896 |
< |
Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost. |
| 896 |
> |
If you're wondering if you need to stop and pick up |
| 897 |
> |
bread and eggs on the way home, you do. |
| 898 |
|
% |
| 899 |
< |
Go where the money is. |
| 899 |
> |
If you're wondering if you took the meat out to |
| 900 |
> |
thaw, you didn't. |
| 901 |
|
% |
| 902 |
< |
Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the |
| 903 |
< |
water that keeps it green. |
| 902 |
> |
If you're worried about being crazy, |
| 903 |
> |
don't be overly concerned: |
| 904 |
> |
If you were, you would think you were sane. |
| 905 |
|
% |
| 906 |
< |
A stagnant science is at a standstill. |
| 906 |
> |
If you've got them by the balls, |
| 907 |
> |
their hearts and minds will follow. |
| 908 |
|
% |
| 909 |
< |
Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. |
| 909 |
> |
Ignorance should be painful. |
| 910 |
|
% |
| 911 |
< |
For every credibility gap there is a gullibility gap. |
| 911 |
> |
Important letters which contain no errors will develop |
| 912 |
> |
errors in the mail. |
| 913 |
|
% |
| 914 |
< |
Can't produces countercan't. |
| 914 |
> |
In a bureaucratic hierarchy, the higher up the |
| 915 |
> |
organization the less people appreciate Murphy's law, |
| 916 |
> |
the Peter Principle, etc. |
| 917 |
|
% |
| 918 |
< |
If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent |
| 919 |
< |
of doing you good, you should run for your life. |
| 918 |
> |
In a family recipe you just discovered in an old book, |
| 919 |
> |
the most vital measurement will be illegible. |
| 920 |
|
% |
| 921 |
< |
When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty |
| 922 |
< |
to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you. |
| 921 |
> |
In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, |
| 922 |
> |
the greater the confusion. |
| 923 |
|
% |
| 924 |
< |
If you can't convince them, confuse them. |
| 924 |
> |
In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay varies |
| 925 |
> |
inversely with the unpleasantness and difficulty |
| 926 |
> |
of the task. |
| 927 |
|
% |
| 928 |
< |
Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups. |
| 928 |
> |
In a three-story building served by one elevator, nine |
| 929 |
> |
times out of ten the elevator car will be on a floor |
| 930 |
> |
where you are not. |
| 931 |
|
% |
| 932 |
< |
All general statements are false. (Think about it.) |
| 932 |
> |
In any bureaucracy, paperwork increases as you spend |
| 933 |
> |
more and more time reporting on the less and less you |
| 934 |
> |
are doing. Stability is achieved when you spend all of |
| 935 |
> |
your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. |
| 936 |
|
% |
| 937 |
< |
If it happens, it must be possible. |
| 937 |
> |
In any dealings with a collective body of people, the |
| 938 |
> |
people will always be more tacky than originally expected. |
| 939 |
|
% |
| 940 |
< |
Them what gets--has. |
| 940 |
> |
In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level |
| 941 |
> |
of incompetence, and then remains there. |
| 942 |
|
% |
| 943 |
< |
If you are already in a hole, there's no use to continue |
| 944 |
< |
digging. |
| 943 |
> |
In any household, junk accumulates to the space |
| 944 |
> |
available for its storage. |
| 945 |
|
% |
| 946 |
< |
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote |
| 947 |
< |
programs, then the first woddpecker that came along would |
| 948 |
< |
destroy civilization. |
| 946 |
> |
In any organization there will always be one person |
| 947 |
> |
who knows what is going on. |
| 948 |
> |
This person must be fired. |
| 949 |
|
% |
| 950 |
< |
People will believe anything if you whisper it. |
| 950 |
> |
In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur |
| 951 |
> |
at the opposite end to the end at which you begin |
| 952 |
> |
checking for errors. |
| 953 |
|
% |
| 954 |
< |
A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick |
| 944 |
< |
in the pants. |
| 954 |
> |
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. |
| 955 |
|
% |
| 956 |
< |
Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold |
| 957 |
< |
of something else. |
| 956 |
> |
In order for something to become clean, something |
| 957 |
> |
else must become dirty. |
| 958 |
> |
... but you can get everything dirty without getting |
| 959 |
> |
anything clean. |
| 960 |
|
% |
| 961 |
< |
A theory is better than its explanation. |
| 961 |
> |
In the fight between you and the world, back the world. |
| 962 |
|
% |
| 963 |
< |
Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing |
| 952 |
< |
worse will happen to you the rest of the day. |
| 963 |
> |
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. |
| 964 |
|
% |
| 965 |
< |
Nobody notices when things go right. |
| 965 |
> |
Indecision is the basis for flexibility. |
| 966 |
|
% |
| 967 |
< |
There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. |
| 967 |
> |
Indifference is the only sure defense. |
| 968 |
|
% |
| 969 |
< |
Roses are red violets are blue |
| 959 |
< |
I am schizophrenic and so am I |
| 969 |
> |
Information deteriorates upward through the bureaucracies. |
| 970 |
|
% |
| 971 |
< |
If anything can go wrong, it will. |
| 971 |
> |
Information travels more surely to those with a |
| 972 |
> |
lesser need to know. |
| 973 |
|
% |
| 974 |
< |
If anything can't go wrong it will. |
| 974 |
> |
Inside every large program |
| 975 |
> |
is a small program struggling to get out. |
| 976 |
|
% |
| 977 |
< |
If muprhy's law can go wrong, it will. |
| 977 |
> |
Interchangeable parts --- won't. |
| 978 |
|
% |
| 979 |
< |
If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in |
| 968 |
< |
the worst possible sequence. |
| 979 |
> |
It always takes longer to get there than to get back. |
| 980 |
|
% |
| 981 |
< |
After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle |
| 982 |
< |
will repeat itself. |
| 981 |
> |
It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick |
| 982 |
> |
up something from the floor while you get up. |
| 983 |
|
% |
| 984 |
< |
An auditor enters the battlefield after the war is over, |
| 985 |
< |
and attacks the wounded. |
| 984 |
> |
It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex |
| 985 |
> |
task to make them simple. |
| 986 |
|
% |
| 987 |
< |
Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse. |
| 987 |
> |
It is better for civilization to be going down the drain, |
| 988 |
> |
than to be coming up it. |
| 989 |
|
% |
| 990 |
< |
No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody |
| 991 |
< |
who knew it would. |
| 990 |
> |
It is better to be part of the idle rich class |
| 991 |
> |
than be part of the idle poor class. |
| 992 |
|
% |
| 993 |
< |
The hidden flaw never remains hidden. |
| 993 |
> |
It is better to solve a problem with a crude |
| 994 |
> |
approximation and know the truth, than to demand an |
| 995 |
> |
exact solution and not know the truth at all. |
| 996 |
|
% |
| 997 |
< |
(1) Everything depends. |
| 984 |
< |
(2) Nothing is always. |
| 985 |
< |
(3) Everything is sometimes. |
| 997 |
> |
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. |
| 998 |
|
% |
| 999 |
< |
If you wait, it will go away |
| 1000 |
< |
... having done it's damage. |
| 1001 |
< |
If it was bad, it'll be back. |
| 999 |
> |
It is far better to do nothing than to do |
| 1000 |
> |
something efficiently. |
| 1001 |
> |
-- Siezbo |
| 1002 |
|
% |
| 991 |
– |
Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand |
| 992 |
– |
wrong answers. |
| 993 |
– |
% |
| 994 |
– |
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune |
| 995 |
– |
moment. |
| 996 |
– |
% |
| 997 |
– |
When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the |
| 998 |
– |
world's composed of aluminum and vinyl. |
| 999 |
– |
% |
| 1000 |
– |
In order for something to become clean, something |
| 1001 |
– |
else must become dirty. |
| 1002 |
– |
... but you can get everything dirty without getting |
| 1003 |
– |
anything clean. |
| 1004 |
– |
% |
| 1005 |
– |
Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. |
| 1006 |
– |
% |
| 1007 |
– |
The first place to look for anything is the last place |
| 1008 |
– |
you would expect to find it. |
| 1009 |
– |
% |
| 1010 |
– |
You can always find what you're not looking for. |
| 1011 |
– |
% |
| 1012 |
– |
If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. |
| 1013 |
– |
% |
| 1003 |
|
It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly |
| 1004 |
< |
suprised. |
| 1004 |
> |
surprised. |
| 1005 |
|
% |
| 1006 |
< |
A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the |
| 1007 |
< |
whole thing". |
| 1006 |
> |
It is impossible to build a fool proof system; |
| 1007 |
> |
because fools are so ingenious. |
| 1008 |
|
% |
| 1009 |
< |
Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. |
| 1009 |
> |
It is ok to be ignorant in some areas, |
| 1010 |
> |
but some people abuse the privilege. |
| 1011 |
|
% |
| 1022 |
– |
When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. |
| 1023 |
– |
% |
| 1024 |
– |
The time it takes to rectify a situation is |
| 1025 |
– |
inversely proportional to the time it took |
| 1026 |
– |
to do the damage. |
| 1027 |
– |
% |
| 1028 |
– |
An optimist believes we live in the best of all |
| 1029 |
– |
possible worlds. |
| 1030 |
– |
A pessimist fears this is true. |
| 1031 |
– |
% |
| 1032 |
– |
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it |
| 1033 |
– |
damnfoolproof. |
| 1034 |
– |
% |
| 1012 |
|
It takes longer to glue a vase together than to |
| 1013 |
|
break one. |
| 1014 |
|
% |
| 1015 |
|
It takes longer to lose 'x' number of pounds than |
| 1016 |
|
to gain 'x' number of pounds. |
| 1017 |
|
% |
| 1018 |
< |
The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in |
| 1042 |
< |
will be taken by the person in front of you. |
| 1018 |
> |
It the shoe fits, it's ugly. |
| 1019 |
|
% |
| 1020 |
< |
The other line moves faster. |
| 1020 |
> |
It works better if you plug it in. |
| 1021 |
|
% |
| 1022 |
< |
If you change lines, the one you just left will start |
| 1047 |
< |
to move faster than the one you are now in. |
| 1022 |
> |
It's always darkest before ... daylight saving time. |
| 1023 |
|
% |
| 1024 |
< |
The longer you wait in line, the greater the |
| 1025 |
< |
likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. |
| 1024 |
> |
It's always darkest just before the lights go out. |
| 1025 |
> |
-- Alex Clark |
| 1026 |
|
% |
| 1027 |
< |
The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out |
| 1028 |
< |
lane. |
| 1027 |
> |
It's always easier to go down hill, but the view is |
| 1028 |
> |
from the top. |
| 1029 |
|
% |
| 1030 |
< |
Whenever you cut your fingernails you will find a |
| 1056 |
< |
need for them an hour later. |
| 1030 |
> |
It's better to retire too soon than too late. |
| 1031 |
|
% |
| 1032 |
< |
(1) If the weather is extremely bad, church |
| 1033 |
< |
attendance will be down. |
| 1060 |
< |
(2) If the weather is extremely good, church |
| 1061 |
< |
attendance will be down. |
| 1062 |
< |
(3) If the bulletin covers are in short supply |
| 1063 |
< |
church attendance will exceed all expectations. |
| 1032 |
> |
It's tough to get reallocated when you're the one |
| 1033 |
> |
who's redundant. |
| 1034 |
|
% |
| 1035 |
< |
If a situation requires undivided attention, it will |
| 1036 |
< |
occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction. |
| 1035 |
> |
Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet |
| 1036 |
> |
somebody moves the ends! |
| 1037 |
|
% |
| 1038 |
< |
The further away the disaster or accident occurs, the |
| 1039 |
< |
greater the number of dead and injured required for it |
| 1070 |
< |
to become a story. |
| 1038 |
> |
Just because you are paranoid |
| 1039 |
> |
doesn't mean "they" aren't out to get you. |
| 1040 |
|
% |
| 1041 |
< |
The closer you are to the facts of a situation, the |
| 1042 |
< |
more obvious are the errors in all news coverage of |
| 1074 |
< |
the situation. |
| 1041 |
> |
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition |
| 1042 |
> |
doesn't mean he knows what it is. |
| 1043 |
|
% |
| 1044 |
< |
The further you are from the facts of a situation, |
| 1045 |
< |
the more you tend to believe news coverage of the |
| 1078 |
< |
situation. |
| 1044 |
> |
Just when you get really good at something, |
| 1045 |
> |
you don't need to do it anymore. |
| 1046 |
|
% |
| 1047 |
< |
The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal |
| 1048 |
< |
the letter. |
| 1047 |
> |
Justice always prevails... |
| 1048 |
> |
three times out of seven. |
| 1049 |
|
% |
| 1050 |
< |
The most interesting specimen will not be labeled. |
| 1050 |
> |
Keep emotionally active, |
| 1051 |
> |
cater to your favorite neurosis. |
| 1052 |
|
% |
| 1053 |
< |
Some errors will always go unnoticed until the book |
| 1086 |
< |
is in print. |
| 1053 |
> |
King Arthur ran the first knight club. |
| 1054 |
|
% |
| 1055 |
< |
The first page the author turns to upon receiving an |
| 1056 |
< |
advance copy will be the page containing the worst |
| 1090 |
< |
error. |
| 1055 |
> |
Laugh and the world laughs with you. cry and ... |
| 1056 |
> |
you have to blow your nose. |
| 1057 |
|
% |
| 1058 |
< |
(1) Never draw what you can copy. |
| 1059 |
< |
(2) Never copy what you can trace. |
| 1094 |
< |
(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. |
| 1058 |
> |
Law expands in proportion to the resources available |
| 1059 |
> |
for its enforcement. |
| 1060 |
|
% |
| 1061 |
< |
The best shots happen immediately after the last |
| 1097 |
< |
frame is exposed. |
| 1061 |
> |
Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten. |
| 1062 |
|
% |
| 1063 |
< |
The best shots are generally attempted through the |
| 1100 |
< |
lens cap. |
| 1063 |
> |
Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!! |
| 1064 |
|
% |
| 1065 |
< |
Any surviving best shots are ruined when someone |
| 1103 |
< |
inadvertently open the darkroom door and all of the |
| 1104 |
< |
dark leaks out. |
| 1065 |
> |
Leakproof seals --- will. |
| 1066 |
|
% |
| 1067 |
< |
If a three-story buiding served by one elevator, nine |
| 1107 |
< |
times out of ten the elevator care will be on a floor |
| 1108 |
< |
where you are not. |
| 1067 |
> |
Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it. |
| 1068 |
|
% |
| 1069 |
< |
The tendency of smoke from a cigarette, barbeque, |
| 1111 |
< |
campfire, etc. to drift into a person's face varies |
| 1112 |
< |
directly with that person's sensitivity to smoke. |
| 1069 |
> |
Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse. |
| 1070 |
|
% |
| 1071 |
< |
The distance to the gate is inversely proportional |
| 1115 |
< |
to the time available to catch you flight. |
| 1071 |
> |
Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts. |
| 1072 |
|
% |
| 1073 |
< |
As soon as the flight attendant serves the coffee, the |
| 1074 |
< |
airliner encounters turbulence. |
| 1073 |
> |
Life is like an ice-cream cone: You have to learn to |
| 1074 |
> |
lick it. |
| 1075 |
|
% |
| 1076 |
< |
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. |
| 1076 |
> |
Liquidity tends to run out. |
| 1077 |
|
% |
| 1078 |
< |
Whatever carrousel you stand by, your baggage will |
| 1079 |
< |
come in on another one. |
| 1078 |
> |
Live within your income, |
| 1079 |
> |
even if you have to borrow to do so. |
| 1080 |
|
% |
| 1081 |
< |
When travelling overseas, the exchange rate improves |
| 1126 |
< |
markedly the day after one has purchased foreign |
| 1127 |
< |
currency. |
| 1081 |
> |
Magellan was the first strait man. |
| 1082 |
|
% |
| 1083 |
< |
Upon returning home, the exchange rate drops again as |
| 1084 |
< |
soon as one has converted all unused foreign currency. |
| 1083 |
> |
Make it possible for programmers to write programs |
| 1084 |
> |
in English and you will find that programmers cannot |
| 1085 |
> |
write in English. |
| 1086 |
|
% |
| 1087 |
< |
The bigger they are, the harder they hit. |
| 1087 |
> |
Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will |
| 1088 |
> |
establish yourself as an expert. |
| 1089 |
|
% |
| 1090 |
< |
For every action, there is an equal and opposite |
| 1135 |
< |
criticism. |
| 1090 |
> |
Management can't. |
| 1091 |
|
% |
| 1092 |
< |
Authorization for a project will be granted only when |
| 1138 |
< |
none of the authorizers can be blamed if the project |
| 1139 |
< |
fails but when all of the authorizers can claim credit |
| 1140 |
< |
if it succeeds. |
| 1092 |
> |
Mass man must be serviced by mass means. |
| 1093 |
|
% |
| 1094 |
< |
If an idea can survive a bureacratic review and be |
| 1095 |
< |
implemented, it wasn't worth doing. |
| 1094 |
> |
Misery no longer loves company |
| 1095 |
> |
nowadays it insists on it. |
| 1096 |
|
% |
| 1097 |
< |
The greater the cost of putting a plan into operation, |
| 1098 |
< |
the less chance there is of abandoning the plan - even |
| 1147 |
< |
if it subsequently becomes irrevelant. |
| 1097 |
> |
Most people want to be delivered from temptation but |
| 1098 |
> |
would like it to keep in touch. |
| 1099 |
|
% |
| 1100 |
< |
The higher the level of prestige accorded the people |
| 1150 |
< |
behind the plan, the least less chance there is of |
| 1151 |
< |
abandoning it. |
| 1100 |
> |
Most projects require three hands. |
| 1101 |
|
% |
| 1102 |
< |
In any organization there will always be one person |
| 1103 |
< |
who knows what is going on. |
| 1155 |
< |
This person must be fired. |
| 1102 |
> |
Multiple-function gadgets will not perform any |
| 1103 |
> |
function adequately. |
| 1104 |
|
% |
| 1105 |
< |
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. |
| 1105 |
> |
Murphy's rule for precision: |
| 1106 |
> |
Measure with a micrometer |
| 1107 |
> |
Mark with chalk |
| 1108 |
> |
Cut with an axe |
| 1109 |
|
% |
| 1110 |
< |
Far-way talent always seems better than home-developed |
| 1160 |
< |
talent. |
| 1110 |
> |
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. |
| 1111 |
|
% |
| 1112 |
< |
Personnel recruiting is a triumph of hope over |
| 1163 |
< |
experience. |
| 1112 |
> |
Nature is a mother. |
| 1113 |
|
% |
| 1114 |
< |
Some people manage by the book, even though they |
| 1166 |
< |
don't know who wrote the book or even what book. |
| 1114 |
> |
Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can. |
| 1115 |
|
% |
| 1116 |
< |
Don't let your superiors know you're better than |
| 1117 |
< |
they are. |
| 1116 |
> |
Never admit anything. |
| 1117 |
> |
Never regret anything |
| 1118 |
> |
whatever it is, you're not responsible. |
| 1119 |
|
% |
| 1120 |
< |
You never know who's right, but you always know |
| 1121 |
< |
who's in charge. |
| 1120 |
> |
Never argue with a fool, |
| 1121 |
> |
people might not know the difference. |
| 1122 |
|
% |
| 1123 |
< |
(1) Anyone can make a decision given enough facts. |
| 1175 |
< |
(2) A good manager can make a decision without enough |
| 1176 |
< |
facts. |
| 1177 |
< |
(3) A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance. |
| 1123 |
> |
Never argue with an artist. |
| 1124 |
|
% |
| 1125 |
< |
The boss who attempts to impress employees with his |
| 1180 |
< |
knowledge of intricate details has lost sight of his |
| 1181 |
< |
final objective. |
| 1125 |
> |
Never be first to do anything. |
| 1126 |
|
% |
| 1127 |
< |
You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you |
| 1128 |
< |
don't burn your bridges until you come to them. |
| 1127 |
> |
Never create a problem for which you do not have |
| 1128 |
> |
the answer. |
| 1129 |
|
% |
| 1130 |
< |
In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay varies |
| 1187 |
< |
inversely with the unpleasantness and difficulty |
| 1188 |
< |
of the task. |
| 1130 |
> |
Never eat prunes when you are famished. |
| 1131 |
|
% |
| 1132 |
< |
The client who pays the least complains the most |
| 1132 |
> |
Never get excited about a blind date because of how |
| 1133 |
> |
it sounds over the phone. |
| 1134 |
|
% |
| 1135 |
< |
A lack of planning on your part |
| 1136 |
< |
does not constitute an emergency on my part. |
| 1135 |
> |
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. |
| 1136 |
> |
-- Erma Bombeck |
| 1137 |
|
% |
| 1138 |
< |
I know you believe you understand |
| 1139 |
< |
what you think I said, |
| 1197 |
< |
however, I am not sure you realize, |
| 1198 |
< |
that what I think you heard |
| 1199 |
< |
is not what I meant |
| 1138 |
> |
Never insult an alligator |
| 1139 |
> |
until after you have crossed the river. |
| 1140 |
|
% |
| 1141 |
< |
Real programmers don't eat muffins. |
| 1141 |
> |
Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold |
| 1142 |
> |
of something else. |
| 1143 |
|
% |
| 1203 |
– |
In any bureaucracy, paperwork increases as you spend |
| 1204 |
– |
more and more time reporting on the less and less you |
| 1205 |
– |
are doing. Stability is achieved when you spend all of |
| 1206 |
– |
your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. |
| 1207 |
– |
% |
| 1208 |
– |
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for |
| 1209 |
– |
a number and then give it back to them. |
| 1210 |
– |
% |
| 1211 |
– |
When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it |
| 1212 |
– |
around instead of picking it up. |
| 1213 |
– |
% |
| 1214 |
– |
The chances of anybody doing anything are inversely |
| 1215 |
– |
proportional to the number of other people who are in |
| 1216 |
– |
a position to do it instead. |
| 1217 |
– |
% |
| 1144 |
|
Never make a decision you can get someone else to make. |
| 1145 |
|
% |
| 1146 |
< |
No one keeps a record of decisions you could have made |
| 1221 |
< |
but didn't. Everyone keeps a records of your bad ones. |
| 1146 |
> |
Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest. |
| 1147 |
|
% |
| 1148 |
< |
For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision. |
| 1148 |
> |
Never offend people with style |
| 1149 |
> |
when you can offend them with substance. |
| 1150 |
|
% |
| 1151 |
< |
The inside contact that you have developed at great |
| 1226 |
< |
expense is the first person to be let go in any |
| 1227 |
< |
reorganization. |
| 1151 |
> |
Never play leapfrog with a photo enlarger. |
| 1152 |
|
% |
| 1153 |
< |
It's tough to get reallocated when you're the one |
| 1230 |
< |
who's redundant. |
| 1153 |
> |
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. |
| 1154 |
|
% |
| 1155 |
< |
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. |
| 1155 |
> |
Never put all your eggs in your pocket. |
| 1156 |
|
% |
| 1157 |
< |
If you're early, it'll be cancelled. |
| 1235 |
< |
If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will |
| 1236 |
< |
have to wait. |
| 1237 |
< |
If you're late, you will be too late. |
| 1157 |
> |
Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job. |
| 1158 |
|
% |
| 1159 |
< |
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept |
| 1240 |
< |
and the hours are lost. |
| 1159 |
> |
Never tell them what you wouldn't do. |
| 1160 |
|
% |
| 1161 |
< |
If you leave the room, you're elected. |
| 1161 |
> |
Never test for an error condition you don't know |
| 1162 |
> |
how to handle. |
| 1163 |
|
% |
| 1164 |
< |
The cream rises to the top. |
| 1165 |
< |
So does the scum. |
| 1164 |
> |
Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty, and the pig |
| 1165 |
> |
likes it! |
| 1166 |
|
% |
| 1167 |
< |
You can never do just one thing. |
| 1167 |
> |
New systems generate new problems. |
| 1168 |
|
% |
| 1169 |
< |
There's no time like the present for postponing |
| 1170 |
< |
what you don't want to do. |
| 1169 |
> |
No experiment is ever a complete failure. |
| 1170 |
> |
It can always be used as a bad example. |
| 1171 |
|
% |
| 1172 |
< |
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday. |
| 1172 |
> |
No good deed goes unpunished. |
| 1173 |
> |
-- Clare Boothe Luce |
| 1174 |
|
% |
| 1175 |
< |
The more complicated and grandiose the plan, the |
| 1176 |
< |
greater the chance of failure. |
| 1175 |
> |
No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets, |
| 1176 |
> |
with the same staff that started it. Yours will not be the |
| 1177 |
> |
first. |
| 1178 |
|
% |
| 1179 |
< |
Simple jobs always get put off because there will be |
| 1258 |
< |
time to do them later. |
| 1179 |
> |
No man is lonely while eating spaghetti. |
| 1180 |
|
% |
| 1260 |
– |
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. |
| 1261 |
– |
% |
| 1262 |
– |
A work project expands to fill the space available. |
| 1263 |
– |
% |
| 1181 |
|
No matter how large the work space, if two projects |
| 1182 |
|
must be done at the same time they will require the |
| 1183 |
|
same part of the work space. |
| 1184 |
|
% |
| 1185 |
< |
The one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one |
| 1186 |
< |
missing from the tool chest. |
| 1185 |
> |
No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after |
| 1186 |
> |
you have bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper. |
| 1187 |
|
% |
| 1188 |
< |
Most projects require three hands. |
| 1188 |
> |
No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end |
| 1189 |
> |
up covered with grease and motor oil. |
| 1190 |
|
% |
| 1191 |
< |
Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts. |
| 1191 |
> |
No matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock |
| 1192 |
> |
once you have reached the furthest point from port |
| 1193 |
> |
the wind will die. |
| 1194 |
|
% |
| 1195 |
< |
The more carefully you plan a project, the more |
| 1196 |
< |
confusion there is when something goes wrong. |
| 1195 |
> |
No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody |
| 1196 |
> |
who knew it would. |
| 1197 |
|
% |
| 1198 |
< |
Murphy's rule for precision: |
| 1199 |
< |
Measure with a micrometer |
| 1280 |
< |
Mark with chalk |
| 1281 |
< |
Cut with an axe |
| 1198 |
> |
No matter what happens, there is always somebody |
| 1199 |
> |
who knew that it would. |
| 1200 |
|
% |
| 1201 |
< |
You can't fix it if it ain't broke. |
| 1201 |
> |
No matter what they're talking about, they're |
| 1202 |
> |
talking about money. |
| 1203 |
|
% |
| 1204 |
< |
First rule of intelligent tinkering: |
| 1205 |
< |
Save all the parts |
| 1204 |
> |
No matter what they're telling you, they're not |
| 1205 |
> |
telling you the whole truth. |
| 1206 |
|
% |
| 1207 |
< |
Access holes will be 1/2" too small. |
| 1208 |
< |
Holes that are the right size will be in the wrong place. |
| 1207 |
> |
No matter which direction you start, |
| 1208 |
> |
it's always against the wind coming back. |
| 1209 |
|
% |
| 1210 |
< |
If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company |
| 1292 |
< |
will insist upon repairing the old one. |
| 1210 |
> |
No news is ... impossible. |
| 1211 |
|
% |
| 1212 |
< |
If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the |
| 1213 |
< |
company will insist on the latest model. |
| 1212 |
> |
No one keeps a record of decisions you could have made |
| 1213 |
> |
but didn't. Everyone keeps a records of your bad ones. |
| 1214 |
|
% |
| 1215 |
< |
The primary function of the design engineer is to make |
| 1216 |
< |
things difficult for the fabricator and impossible |
| 1299 |
< |
for the serviceman. |
| 1215 |
> |
No one's life, liberty, or property are safe |
| 1216 |
> |
while the legislature is in session. |
| 1217 |
|
% |
| 1218 |
< |
That component of any circuit which has the shortest |
| 1219 |
< |
service life will be placed in the least |
| 1220 |
< |
accessible location. |
| 1218 |
> |
No system is ever completely debugged: Attempts to debug |
| 1219 |
> |
a system will inevitably introduce new bugs that are even |
| 1220 |
> |
harder to find. |
| 1221 |
|
% |
| 1222 |
< |
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which |
| 1306 |
< |
is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three |
| 1307 |
< |
parts which at still under development. |
| 1222 |
> |
Nobody notices when things go right. |
| 1223 |
|
% |
| 1224 |
< |
Important letters which contain no errors will develop |
| 1310 |
< |
errors in the mail. |
| 1224 |
> |
Nothing improves an innovation like lack of controls. |
| 1225 |
|
% |
| 1226 |
< |
Office machines which function perfectly during normal |
| 1313 |
< |
business hours will break down when you return to the |
| 1314 |
< |
office at night to use them for personal business. |
| 1226 |
> |
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. |
| 1227 |
|
% |
| 1228 |
< |
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly |
| 1317 |
< |
when the repairman arrives. |
| 1228 |
> |
Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. |
| 1229 |
|
% |
| 1230 |
< |
Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick |
| 1320 |
< |
them will stick to other things when you don't want |
| 1321 |
< |
them to. |
| 1230 |
> |
Nothing is ever done for the right reasons. |
| 1231 |
|
% |
| 1232 |
< |
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by |
| 1233 |
< |
spontaneously moving from where you left them to where |
| 1325 |
< |
you can't find them. |
| 1232 |
> |
Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by |
| 1233 |
> |
firing the coach. |
| 1234 |
|
% |
| 1235 |
< |
The last person who quit or was fired will be held |
| 1328 |
< |
responsible for everything that goes wrong -- until |
| 1329 |
< |
the next person quits or is fired. |
| 1235 |
> |
Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse. |
| 1236 |
|
% |
| 1237 |
< |
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you |
| 1238 |
< |
don't want his the paper. |
| 1237 |
> |
Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have |
| 1238 |
> |
to do it himself/herself. |
| 1239 |
|
% |
| 1240 |
< |
The one time in the day that you lean back and relax |
| 1241 |
< |
is the one time the boss walks through the office. |
| 1240 |
> |
Nothing is indestructible, with the possible exception |
| 1241 |
> |
of discount-priced fruitcakes. |
| 1242 |
|
% |
| 1243 |
< |
Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass. |
| 1243 |
> |
Of two possible events, |
| 1244 |
> |
only the undesired one will occur. |
| 1245 |
|
% |
| 1246 |
< |
When you do not know what you are going, do it neatly. |
| 1246 |
> |
Office machines which function perfectly during normal |
| 1247 |
> |
business hours will break down when you return to the |
| 1248 |
> |
office at night to use them for personal business. |
| 1249 |
|
% |
| 1250 |
< |
Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else. |
| 1250 |
> |
Old age is always fifteen years older than I am. |
| 1251 |
|
% |
| 1252 |
< |
Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. |
| 1252 |
> |
Old programmers never die - they just abend. |
| 1253 |
|
% |
| 1254 |
< |
(1) If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. |
| 1255 |
< |
(2) If it stinks, it's chemistry. |
| 1347 |
< |
(3) If it doesn't work, it's physics. |
| 1254 |
> |
On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone |
| 1255 |
> |
can be unhappy -- but we will work on it. |
| 1256 |
|
% |
| 1257 |
< |
Nothing improves an innovation like lack of controls. |
| 1257 |
> |
On a clear disk, you can seek forever. |
| 1258 |
|
% |
| 1259 |
< |
The quality of correlation is inversely proportional |
| 1260 |
< |
to the density of control. |
| 1259 |
> |
On successive charts of the same organization, the number of |
| 1260 |
> |
boxes will never decrease. |
| 1261 |
|
% |
| 1262 |
< |
If reproducibility may be a problem conduct the |
| 1263 |
< |
test only once. |
| 1262 |
> |
Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to save it |
| 1263 |
> |
only makes it worse. |
| 1264 |
|
% |
| 1265 |
< |
If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two |
| 1358 |
< |
data points. |
| 1265 |
> |
One man's error is another man's data. |
| 1266 |
|
% |
| 1267 |
< |
Any technical problem can be overcome given enough |
| 1268 |
< |
time and money. |
| 1267 |
> |
One place where you're sure to find the perfect |
| 1268 |
> |
driver is in the back seat. |
| 1269 |
|
% |
| 1270 |
< |
You are never given enough time or money. |
| 1270 |
> |
Only a mediocre person is always at their best. |
| 1271 |
|
% |
| 1272 |
< |
Unless the results are known in advance, funding |
| 1366 |
< |
agencies will reject the proposal. |
| 1272 |
> |
Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles. |
| 1273 |
|
% |
| 1274 |
< |
It is better to solve a problem with a crude |
| 1369 |
< |
approximation and know the truth, than to demand an |
| 1370 |
< |
exact solution and not know the truth at all. |
| 1274 |
> |
Only errors exist. |
| 1275 |
|
% |
| 1276 |
< |
An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful |
| 1277 |
< |
than a complex, incomprehensible truth. |
| 1276 |
> |
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune |
| 1277 |
> |
moment. |
| 1278 |
|
% |
| 1279 |
< |
Anyone who make a significant contribution to any field |
| 1376 |
< |
of endeavor and stays in that field long enough, |
| 1377 |
< |
becomes an obstruction to its progress -- in direct |
| 1378 |
< |
proportion to the importance of his original contribution. |
| 1379 |
< |
% |
| 1380 |
< |
If a scientist uncovers a publishable fact, it will |
| 1381 |
< |
become central to his theory. |
| 1279 |
> |
Other people's romantic gestures seem novel and exciting. |
| 1280 |
|
|
| 1281 |
< |
His theory, in turn, will become central to all |
| 1384 |
< |
scientific truth. |
| 1281 |
> |
Your own romantic gestures seem foolish and clumsy. |
| 1282 |
|
% |
| 1283 |
< |
There is no such thing as a straight line. |
| 1283 |
> |
Our customers' paperwork is profit. |
| 1284 |
> |
Our own paperwork is loss. |
| 1285 |
|
% |
| 1286 |
< |
In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur |
| 1287 |
< |
at the opposite end to the end at which you begin |
| 1390 |
< |
checking for errors. |
| 1286 |
> |
People are promoted not by what they can do, but what |
| 1287 |
> |
people think they can do. |
| 1288 |
|
% |
| 1289 |
< |
Only errors exist. |
| 1289 |
> |
People can be divided into three groups: |
| 1290 |
> |
Those who make things happen, |
| 1291 |
> |
Those who watch things happen and |
| 1292 |
> |
Those who wonder what happened. |
| 1293 |
|
% |
| 1294 |
< |
One man's error is another man's data. |
| 1294 |
> |
People don't change; they only become more so. |
| 1295 |
|
% |
| 1296 |
< |
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires |
| 1297 |
< |
a computer. |
| 1296 |
> |
People in systems do not do what the systems say |
| 1297 |
> |
they are doing. |
| 1298 |
|
% |
| 1299 |
< |
When putting it into memory, remember where you put it. |
| 1299 |
> |
People to whom you are attracted invariably think you |
| 1300 |
> |
remind them of someone else. |
| 1301 |
|
% |
| 1401 |
– |
Never test for an error condition you don't know |
| 1402 |
– |
how to handle. |
| 1403 |
– |
% |
| 1404 |
– |
Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since |
| 1405 |
– |
nobody listens. |
| 1406 |
– |
% |
| 1302 |
|
People who love sausage and respect the law should |
| 1303 |
|
never watch either one being made. |
| 1304 |
|
% |
| 1305 |
< |
No matter what they're telling you, they're not |
| 1306 |
< |
telling you the whole truth. |
| 1305 |
> |
People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell |
| 1306 |
> |
them Benjamin Franklin said it first. |
| 1307 |
|
% |
| 1308 |
< |
No matter what they're talking about, they're |
| 1414 |
< |
talking about money. |
| 1308 |
> |
People will believe anything if you whisper it. |
| 1309 |
|
% |
| 1310 |
< |
In any dealings with a collective body of people, the |
| 1417 |
< |
people will always be more tacky than originally expected. |
| 1310 |
> |
People will buy anything that is one to a customer. |
| 1311 |
|
% |
| 1312 |
< |
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing |
| 1313 |
< |
theirs, then you just don't understand the problem. |
| 1312 |
> |
Performance is directly affected by the perversity of |
| 1313 |
> |
inanimate objects. |
| 1314 |
|
% |
| 1315 |
< |
Information deteriorates upward through the bureaucracies. |
| 1315 |
> |
Personnel recruiting is a triumph of hope over |
| 1316 |
> |
experience. |
| 1317 |
|
% |
| 1318 |
< |
When an exaggerated emphasis is placed upon delegation, |
| 1319 |
< |
responsibility, like sediment, sinks to the bottom. |
| 1318 |
> |
Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional |
| 1319 |
> |
and employ faulty reasoning. |
| 1320 |
|
% |
| 1321 |
< |
When outrageous expenditures are divided finely enough |
| 1322 |
< |
the public will not have enough stake in any one |
| 1429 |
< |
expenditure to squelch it. |
| 1321 |
> |
Pills to be taken in twos always come |
| 1322 |
> |
out of the bottle in threes. |
| 1323 |
|
% |
| 1324 |
< |
When the government bureau's remedies do not match your |
| 1432 |
< |
problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. |
| 1324 |
> |
Please don't steal, the IRS hates competition! |
| 1325 |
|
% |
| 1326 |
< |
A fool and your money are soon partners. |
| 1326 |
> |
Possessions increase to fill the space available for |
| 1327 |
> |
their storage. |
| 1328 |
|
% |
| 1329 |
< |
You may know where the market is going, but you can't |
| 1330 |
< |
possibly know where it's going after that. |
| 1329 |
> |
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability |
| 1330 |
> |
of the programmer who must maintain it. |
| 1331 |
|
% |
| 1332 |
< |
Among economists, the real world is often a special case. |
| 1332 |
> |
Program design philosophy: |
| 1333 |
> |
|
| 1334 |
> |
Start at the beginning and continue until the end, |
| 1335 |
> |
then stop. |
| 1336 |
> |
-- Lewis Carroll |
| 1337 |
|
% |
| 1338 |
< |
Trial balances don't. |
| 1338 |
> |
Progress does not consist in replacing a theory that is |
| 1339 |
> |
wrong with one that is right. It consists in replacing |
| 1340 |
> |
a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong. |
| 1341 |
|
% |
| 1342 |
< |
Working capital doesn't. |
| 1342 |
> |
Progress is made on alternate Fridays. |
| 1343 |
|
% |
| 1344 |
< |
Liquidity tends to run out. |
| 1344 |
> |
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary |
| 1345 |
> |
drivel off the TV screen. |
| 1346 |
|
% |
| 1347 |
< |
Return on investments won't. |
| 1347 |
> |
Quit while you're still behind. |
| 1348 |
|
% |
| 1349 |
< |
If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it. |
| 1349 |
> |
RACF is a four letter word. |
| 1350 |
|
% |
| 1351 |
< |
Mass man must be serviced by mass means. |
| 1351 |
> |
Real programmers always have a better idea. |
| 1352 |
|
% |
| 1353 |
< |
Everything is contagious. |
| 1353 |
> |
Real programmers are kind to rookies. |
| 1354 |
|
% |
| 1355 |
< |
Nothing is ever done for the right reasons. |
| 1355 |
> |
Real programmers are secure enough to write readable code, |
| 1356 |
> |
which they then self-righteously refuse to explain. |
| 1357 |
|
% |
| 1358 |
< |
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake |
| 1359 |
< |
that you've got it made. |
| 1358 |
> |
Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a |
| 1359 |
> |
matter of principle. |
| 1360 |
|
% |
| 1361 |
< |
An expert is anyone from out of town. |
| 1361 |
> |
Real programmers can do octal, hexadecimal and |
| 1362 |
> |
binary math in their heads. |
| 1363 |
|
% |
| 1364 |
< |
An expert is one who knows more and more about less |
| 1365 |
< |
and less until he knows absolutely everything |
| 1464 |
< |
about nothing. |
| 1364 |
> |
Real programmers do not apply DP terminology to non-DP |
| 1365 |
> |
situations. |
| 1366 |
|
% |
| 1367 |
< |
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job |
| 1368 |
< |
will take the longest and cost the most. |
| 1367 |
> |
Real programmers do not document. |
| 1368 |
> |
Documentation is for simps who can't read listings or |
| 1369 |
> |
object code. |
| 1370 |
|
% |
| 1371 |
< |
If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just |
| 1372 |
< |
become the expert. |
| 1371 |
> |
Real programmers do not eat breakfast from the |
| 1372 |
> |
vending machines. |
| 1373 |
|
% |
| 1374 |
< |
Indecision is the basis for flexibility. |
| 1374 |
> |
Real programmers do not practice four-syllable words before |
| 1375 |
> |
walkthroughs. |
| 1376 |
|
% |
| 1377 |
< |
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're |
| 1378 |
< |
talking about. |
| 1377 |
> |
Real programmers do not read books like |
| 1378 |
> |
"effective listening" and "communication skills". |
| 1379 |
|
% |
| 1380 |
< |
Never create a problem for which you do not have |
| 1381 |
< |
the answer. |
| 1380 |
> |
Real programmers do not utter profanities at an elevated |
| 1381 |
> |
decibel level. |
| 1382 |
|
% |
| 1383 |
< |
Create problems for which only you have the answer. |
| 1383 |
> |
Real programmers don't advertise their hangovers. |
| 1384 |
|
% |
| 1385 |
< |
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. |
| 1385 |
> |
Real programmers don't announce how many times the |
| 1386 |
> |
operations department called them last night. |
| 1387 |
|
% |
| 1388 |
< |
Hindsight is an exact science. |
| 1388 |
> |
Real programmers don't comment their code. if it is hard |
| 1389 |
> |
to write, it should be hard to understand. |
| 1390 |
|
% |
| 1391 |
< |
History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely |
| 1392 |
< |
repeat each other. |
| 1391 |
> |
Real programmers don't dress for success unless |
| 1392 |
> |
they are trying to convince others that they are |
| 1393 |
> |
going on interviews. |
| 1394 |
|
% |
| 1395 |
< |
Fact is solidified opinion. |
| 1395 |
> |
Real programmers don't eat muffins. |
| 1396 |
|
% |
| 1397 |
< |
Facts may weaken under extreme heat and pressure. |
| 1397 |
> |
Real programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real |
| 1398 |
> |
programmers don't know how to spell quiche. They eat |
| 1399 |
> |
Twinkies and szechuan food. |
| 1400 |
|
% |
| 1401 |
< |
Truth is elastic. |
| 1401 |
> |
Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages |
| 1402 |
> |
of Cobol when they don't know any other language. |
| 1403 |
|
% |
| 1404 |
< |
When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue. |
| 1404 |
> |
Real programmers don't notch their desks for each |
| 1405 |
> |
completed service request. |
| 1406 |
|
% |
| 1407 |
< |
When in trouble, obfuscate. |
| 1407 |
> |
Real programmers don't number paragraph names |
| 1408 |
> |
consecutively. |
| 1409 |
|
% |
| 1410 |
< |
Progress does not consist in replacing a theory that is |
| 1411 |
< |
wrong with one that is right. It consists in replacing |
| 1412 |
< |
a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong. |
| 1410 |
> |
Real programmers don't play tennis or any other sport |
| 1411 |
> |
that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is |
| 1412 |
> |
O.K., and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work |
| 1413 |
> |
in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle |
| 1414 |
> |
of the machine room. |
| 1415 |
|
% |
| 1416 |
< |
It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex |
| 1504 |
< |
task to make them simple. |
| 1416 |
> |
Real programmers don't play video games, they write them. |
| 1417 |
|
% |
| 1418 |
< |
If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man, he |
| 1419 |
< |
will find an easier way to do it. |
| 1418 |
> |
Real programmers don't write applications programs; they |
| 1419 |
> |
program right down on the bare metal. Application |
| 1420 |
> |
programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming. |
| 1421 |
|
% |
| 1422 |
< |
Every great idea has a disadvantage equal to or |
| 1423 |
< |
exceeding the greatness of the idea. |
| 1422 |
> |
Real programmers don't write COBOL. |
| 1423 |
> |
COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers. |
| 1424 |
|
% |
| 1425 |
< |
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately |
| 1426 |
< |
explained by stupidity. |
| 1425 |
> |
Real programmers don't write in Basic. Actually, no |
| 1426 |
> |
programmers write in Basic after age 12. |
| 1427 |
|
% |
| 1428 |
< |
New systems generate new problems. |
| 1428 |
> |
Real programmers don't write in Pascal, Bliss, or Ada, or |
| 1429 |
> |
any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong |
| 1430 |
> |
typing is for people with weak memories. |
| 1431 |
|
% |
| 1432 |
< |
Systems should not be unnecessarily multiplied. |
| 1432 |
> |
Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for |
| 1433 |
> |
programmers who can't decide whether to write in |
| 1434 |
> |
COBOL or Fortran. |
| 1435 |
|
% |
| 1436 |
< |
Systems tend to grow and as they grow they encroach. |
| 1436 |
> |
Real programmers don't write memos. |
| 1437 |
|
% |
| 1438 |
< |
Complicated systems produce unexpected outcomes. |
| 1438 |
> |
Real programmers don't write specs -- users should |
| 1439 |
> |
consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and |
| 1440 |
> |
take what they get. |
| 1441 |
|
% |
| 1442 |
< |
The total behavior of large systems cannot be predicted. |
| 1442 |
> |
Real programmers drink too much coffee so that they will |
| 1443 |
> |
always seem tense and overworked. |
| 1444 |
|
% |
| 1445 |
< |
A large system, produced by expanding the dimensions of |
| 1446 |
< |
a smaller system, does not behave like the smaller system. |
| 1445 |
> |
Real programmers have read the standards manual |
| 1446 |
> |
but won't admit it. |
| 1447 |
|
% |
| 1448 |
< |
People in systems do not do what the systems says |
| 1449 |
< |
they are doing. |
| 1448 |
> |
Real programmers know it's not operations' |
| 1449 |
> |
fault if their jobs go into "hogs". |
| 1450 |
|
% |
| 1451 |
< |
The system itself does not do what it says it is doing. |
| 1451 |
> |
Real programmers know what saad means. |
| 1452 |
|
% |
| 1453 |
< |
A complex system that works is invariably found to have |
| 1454 |
< |
evolved from a simple system that works. |
| 1453 |
> |
Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real |
| 1454 |
> |
programmers are around at 9 a.m., it's because they |
| 1455 |
> |
were up all night. |
| 1456 |
|
% |
| 1457 |
< |
A complex system designed from scratch never works and |
| 1458 |
< |
cannot be patched up to make it work. You have to start |
| 1538 |
< |
over, beginning with a working simple system. |
| 1457 |
> |
Real programmers print only clean compiles, |
| 1458 |
> |
fixing all errors through the terminal. |
| 1459 |
|
% |
| 1460 |
< |
(1) Everything is a system. |
| 1461 |
< |
(2) Everything is part of a larger system. |
| 1462 |
< |
(3) The universe is infinitely systematized both upward |
| 1543 |
< |
(larger systems) and downward (smaller systems). |
| 1544 |
< |
(4) All systems are infinitely complex. (The illuison |
| 1545 |
< |
of simplicity comes from focussing attention on |
| 1546 |
< |
one or a few variables). |
| 1460 |
> |
Real programmer's programs never work the first time. But |
| 1461 |
> |
if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into |
| 1462 |
> |
working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions. |
| 1463 |
|
% |
| 1464 |
< |
Complex systems tend to oppose their own proper function. |
| 1464 |
> |
Real programmers punch up their own programs. |
| 1465 |
|
% |
| 1466 |
< |
If the course you wanted most has room for 'n' students |
| 1551 |
< |
you will be the 'n + 1' to apply. |
| 1466 |
> |
Real programmers understand Pascal. |
| 1467 |
|
% |
| 1468 |
< |
Class schedules are designed so that every student will |
| 1554 |
< |
waste the maximum time between classes. |
| 1468 |
> |
Remain silent about your intentions until you are sure |
| 1469 |
|
% |
| 1470 |
< |
Show me a person who's never made a mistake and I'll |
| 1557 |
< |
show you somebody who's never achieved much. |
| 1470 |
> |
Return on investments won't. |
| 1471 |
|
% |
| 1472 |
< |
When you consider there are 24 hours in a day, it's |
| 1473 |
< |
sad to know that only one is called the happy hour. |
| 1472 |
> |
Roses are red violets are blue |
| 1473 |
> |
I am schizophrenic and so am I |
| 1474 |
|
% |
| 1475 |
< |
When you are able to schedule two classes in a row, |
| 1563 |
< |
they will be held in classrooms at opposite end of |
| 1564 |
< |
the campus. |
| 1475 |
> |
Sale promotions don't. |
| 1476 |
|
% |
| 1477 |
< |
A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered |
| 1567 |
< |
only during the semester following the desired course. |
| 1477 |
> |
Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line. |
| 1478 |
|
% |
| 1479 |
< |
When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most |
| 1570 |
< |
important ones will be illegible. |
| 1479 |
> |
Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. |
| 1480 |
|
% |
| 1481 |
< |
The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure |
| 1573 |
< |
you are as to which answer they want. |
| 1481 |
> |
Security isn't. |
| 1482 |
|
% |
| 1483 |
< |
80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture |
| 1576 |
< |
you missed about the one book you didn't read. |
| 1483 |
> |
Self starters --- won't. |
| 1484 |
|
% |
| 1485 |
< |
The night before the english history mid-term, your |
| 1486 |
< |
biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. |
| 1485 |
> |
Show me a person who's never made a mistake and I'll |
| 1486 |
> |
show you somebody who's never achieved much. |
| 1487 |
|
% |
| 1488 |
< |
Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else |
| 1489 |
< |
to do except study for that instructor's course. |
| 1488 |
> |
Simple jobs always get put off because there will be |
| 1489 |
> |
time to do them later. |
| 1490 |
|
% |
| 1491 |
< |
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget |
| 1492 |
< |
your book. |
| 1586 |
< |
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget |
| 1587 |
< |
where you live. |
| 1491 |
> |
Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, |
| 1492 |
> |
some prefer to just gargle. |
| 1493 |
|
% |
| 1494 |
< |
At the end of the semester you will recall having |
| 1495 |
< |
enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester |
| 1591 |
< |
-- and never attending. |
| 1494 |
> |
Some errors will always go unnoticed until the book |
| 1495 |
> |
is in print. |
| 1496 |
|
% |
| 1497 |
< |
The one course you must take to graduate will not be |
| 1594 |
< |
offered during your last semester. |
| 1497 |
> |
Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it. |
| 1498 |
|
% |
| 1499 |
< |
The more general the title of a course, the less |
| 1500 |
< |
you will learn from it. |
| 1499 |
> |
Souffles rise and cream whips only for the family and |
| 1500 |
> |
for guests you didn't really want to invite anyway. |
| 1501 |
|
% |
| 1502 |
< |
The more specific the title of a course, the less you |
| 1503 |
< |
will be able to apply it later. |
| 1502 |
> |
Success can be insured only by devising a defense against |
| 1503 |
> |
failure of the contingency plan. |
| 1504 |
|
% |
| 1505 |
< |
The most valuable quotation will be the one for which |
| 1603 |
< |
you cannot determine the source. |
| 1505 |
> |
Superiority is recessive. |
| 1506 |
|
% |
| 1507 |
< |
The source for an unattributed quotation will appear |
| 1606 |
< |
in the most hostile review of your work. |
| 1507 |
> |
Systems should not be unnecessarily multiplied. |
| 1508 |
|
% |
| 1509 |
< |
When a writer prepares a manuscript on a subject he does |
| 1609 |
< |
not understand, his work will be understood only by |
| 1610 |
< |
readers who know more about that subject than he does. |
| 1509 |
> |
Systems tend to grow and as they grow they encroach. |
| 1510 |
|
% |
| 1511 |
< |
Writings prepared without understanding must fail in the |
| 1512 |
< |
first objective of communication -- informing |
| 1614 |
< |
the uninformed. |
| 1511 |
> |
Talent in staff work or sales will continually be |
| 1512 |
> |
interpreted as managerial ability. |
| 1513 |
|
% |
| 1514 |
< |
When a student asks for a second time if you have read |
| 1617 |
< |
his book report, he did not read the book. |
| 1514 |
> |
Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else. |
| 1515 |
|
% |
| 1516 |
< |
If daily class attendance is mandatory, a schedules |
| 1517 |
< |
exam will product increased absenteeism. If attendance |
| 1518 |
< |
is optional, a schedules exam will produce persons you |
| 1622 |
< |
have never seen before. |
| 1516 |
> |
That component of any circuit which has the shortest |
| 1517 |
> |
service life will be placed in the least |
| 1518 |
> |
accessible location. |
| 1519 |
|
% |
| 1520 |
< |
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition |
| 1521 |
< |
doesn't mean he knows what it is. |
| 1520 |
> |
The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely |
| 1521 |
> |
proportional to the subject's true value. |
| 1522 |
|
% |
| 1523 |
< |
The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the |
| 1524 |
< |
waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for |
| 1629 |
< |
your scheduled appointment. |
| 1523 |
> |
The amount of wind will vary inversely with the number |
| 1524 |
> |
and experience of the people you have on board. |
| 1525 |
|
% |
| 1526 |
< |
Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles. |
| 1526 |
> |
The best shots are generally attempted through the |
| 1527 |
> |
lens cap. |
| 1528 |
|
% |
| 1529 |
< |
You never have the right number of pills left on the |
| 1530 |
< |
last day of a prescription. |
| 1529 |
> |
The best shots happen immediately after the last |
| 1530 |
> |
frame is exposed. |
| 1531 |
|
% |
| 1532 |
< |
The pills to be taken with meals will be the least |
| 1533 |
< |
appetizing ones. |
| 1532 |
> |
The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal |
| 1533 |
> |
the letter. |
| 1534 |
|
% |
| 1535 |
< |
Even water tastes bad when taken on doctors orders. |
| 1535 |
> |
The best way to lie is to tell the truth..... |
| 1536 |
> |
carefully edited truth. |
| 1537 |
|
% |
| 1538 |
< |
If your condition seems to be getting better, it's |
| 1642 |
< |
probably your doctor getting sick. |
| 1538 |
> |
The big guys always win. |
| 1539 |
|
% |
| 1540 |
< |
Beware of the physician who is great at getting |
| 1645 |
< |
out of trouble. |
| 1540 |
> |
The bigger they are, the harder they hit. |
| 1541 |
|
% |
| 1542 |
< |
A drug is that substance which, when injected into a |
| 1543 |
< |
rat, will produce a scientific report. |
| 1542 |
> |
The boss who attempts to impress employees with his |
| 1543 |
> |
knowledge of intricate details has lost sight of his |
| 1544 |
> |
final objective. |
| 1545 |
|
% |
| 1546 |
< |
Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it is, |
| 1547 |
< |
(1) positive, or |
| 1548 |
< |
(2) negative. |
| 1653 |
< |
If both answers are the same, don't do the test. |
| 1546 |
> |
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered |
| 1547 |
> |
side down is directly proportional to the cost of the |
| 1548 |
> |
carpet. |
| 1549 |
|
% |
| 1550 |
< |
The radiologists' national flower is the hedge. |
| 1550 |
> |
The chances of anybody doing anything are inversely |
| 1551 |
> |
proportional to the number of other people who are in |
| 1552 |
> |
a position to do it instead. |
| 1553 |
|
% |
| 1554 |
< |
The feasibility of an operation is not the best |
| 1555 |
< |
indiciation for its performance. |
| 1554 |
> |
The chief cause of problems is solutions. |
| 1555 |
> |
-- Eric Sevareid |
| 1556 |
|
% |
| 1557 |
< |
A physician's ability is inversely proportional |
| 1661 |
< |
to his availability. |
| 1557 |
> |
The client who pays the least complains the most |
| 1558 |
|
% |
| 1559 |
< |
There are two kinds of adhesive tape: That which won't |
| 1560 |
< |
stay on and that which won't come off. |
| 1559 |
> |
The closer you are to the facts of a situation, the |
| 1560 |
> |
more obvious are the errors in all news coverage of |
| 1561 |
> |
the situation. |
| 1562 |
|
% |
| 1563 |
< |
Everbody wants a pain shot at the same time. |
| 1563 |
> |
The "consumer report" on the item will come out a week |
| 1564 |
> |
after you've made your purchase: |
| 1565 |
> |
|
| 1566 |
> |
(1) The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable". |
| 1567 |
> |
(2) The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy". |
| 1568 |
|
% |
| 1569 |
< |
Everybody who didn't want a pain shot when you were |
| 1570 |
< |
passing out pain shots wants one when you are passing |
| 1670 |
< |
out sleeping pills. |
| 1569 |
> |
The cream rises to the top. |
| 1570 |
> |
So does the scum. |
| 1571 |
|
% |
| 1572 |
< |
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his |
| 1573 |
< |
own physician. |
| 1572 |
> |
The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by |
| 1573 |
> |
the paper clip of the overlying memo and go to file. |
| 1574 |
|
% |
| 1575 |
< |
Fools rush in -- and get the best seats. |
| 1575 |
> |
The deficiency will never show itself during the test runs. |
| 1576 |
|
% |
| 1577 |
< |
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from |
| 1578 |
< |
the aisle arrive last. |
| 1577 |
> |
The distance to the gate is inversely proportional |
| 1578 |
> |
to the time available to catch your flight. |
| 1579 |
|
% |
| 1580 |
< |
Exciting plays occur only while you are watching the |
| 1681 |
< |
scoreboard or out buying a hot dog. |
| 1580 |
> |
The early worm deserves the bird. |
| 1581 |
|
% |
| 1582 |
< |
Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by |
| 1583 |
< |
firing the coach. |
| 1582 |
> |
The easiest way to find something lost around the house |
| 1583 |
> |
is to buy a replacement. |
| 1584 |
|
% |
| 1585 |
< |
The wrong quarterback is the one that's in there. |
| 1585 |
> |
The faster the plane, |
| 1586 |
> |
the narrower the seats. |
| 1587 |
|
% |
| 1588 |
< |
A free agent is anything but. |
| 1588 |
> |
The feasibility of an operation is not the best |
| 1589 |
> |
indication for its performance. |
| 1590 |
|
% |
| 1591 |
< |
Hockey is a game played by six good players and the |
| 1592 |
< |
home team. |
| 1591 |
> |
The final test is when it goes production ... |
| 1592 |
> |
w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t i o n ... |
| 1593 |
> |
w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t |
| 1594 |
> |
w h e n i t g o e s p r o |
| 1595 |
|
% |
| 1596 |
< |
Whatever can go to New York, will. |
| 1596 |
> |
The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the |
| 1597 |
> |
time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent. |
| 1598 |
|
% |
| 1599 |
< |
Whenever a superstar is traded to your favorite team, |
| 1600 |
< |
he fades. Whenever your team trades away a useless |
| 1697 |
< |
no-name, he immediately rises to stardom. |
| 1599 |
> |
The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly |
| 1600 |
> |
in front of your eyes. |
| 1601 |
|
% |
| 1602 |
< |
A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or |
| 1603 |
< |
her opposition. |
| 1602 |
> |
The first insurance agent was David - |
| 1603 |
> |
he gave Goliath a piece of the rock. |
| 1604 |
|
% |
| 1605 |
< |
The only way to make up for being lost is to make |
| 1606 |
< |
record time while you are lost. |
| 1605 |
> |
The first myth of management is that it exists |
| 1606 |
> |
the second myth of management is that success equals skill. |
| 1607 |
|
% |
| 1608 |
< |
The amount of wind will vary inversely with the number |
| 1609 |
< |
and experience of the people you have on board. |
| 1608 |
> |
The first page the author turns to upon receiving an |
| 1609 |
> |
advance copy will be the page containing the worst |
| 1610 |
> |
error. |
| 1611 |
|
% |
| 1612 |
< |
No matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock |
| 1613 |
< |
once you have reached the furthest point from port |
| 1710 |
< |
the wind will die. |
| 1612 |
> |
The first place to look for anything is the last place |
| 1613 |
> |
you would expect to find it. |
| 1614 |
|
% |
| 1615 |
< |
The time available to go fishing shrinks as the fishing |
| 1616 |
< |
season draws nearer. |
| 1615 |
> |
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to |
| 1616 |
> |
save all of the parts. |
| 1617 |
|
% |
| 1618 |
< |
The least experienced fisherman always catches the |
| 1619 |
< |
biggest fish. |
| 1618 |
> |
The first time is for love. |
| 1619 |
> |
The next time is $200. |
| 1620 |
|
% |
| 1621 |
< |
The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater |
| 1622 |
< |
the chance of having to stop at the fish market |
| 1623 |
< |
on the way home. |
| 1621 |
> |
The further away the disaster or accident occurs, the |
| 1622 |
> |
greater the number of dead and injured required for it |
| 1623 |
> |
to become a story. |
| 1624 |
|
% |
| 1625 |
< |
The worse your line is tangled, the better is the |
| 1626 |
< |
fishing around you. |
| 1625 |
> |
The further you are from the facts of a situation, |
| 1626 |
> |
the more you tend to believe news coverage of the |
| 1627 |
> |
situation. |
| 1628 |
|
% |
| 1629 |
< |
The mountain gets steeper as you get closer. |
| 1629 |
> |
The greater the cost of putting a plan into operation, |
| 1630 |
> |
the less chance there is of abandoning the plan - even |
| 1631 |
> |
if it subsequently becomes irrelevant. |
| 1632 |
|
% |
| 1633 |
< |
The mountain looks closer than it is. |
| 1633 |
> |
The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached |
| 1634 |
> |
to someone who isn't getting enough sleep. |
| 1635 |
|
% |
| 1636 |
< |
All trails have more uphill sections that they have |
| 1730 |
< |
level or downhill sections. |
| 1636 |
> |
The hidden flaw never remains hidden. |
| 1637 |
|
% |
| 1638 |
< |
The one who least wants to play is the one who will win. |
| 1638 |
> |
The higher the level of prestige accorded the people |
| 1639 |
> |
behind the plan, the least less chance there is of |
| 1640 |
> |
abandoning it. |
| 1641 |
|
% |
| 1642 |
< |
All things being equal, you lose. |
| 1643 |
< |
|
| 1644 |
< |
All things being in your favor, you still lose. |
| 1642 |
> |
The inside contact that you have developed at great |
| 1643 |
> |
expense is the first person to be let go in any |
| 1644 |
> |
reorganization. |
| 1645 |
|
% |
| 1646 |
< |
Win or lose, you lose. |
| 1646 |
> |
The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in |
| 1647 |
> |
will be taken by the person in front of you. |
| 1648 |
|
% |
| 1649 |
< |
It always takes longer to get there than to get back. |
| 1649 |
> |
The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found |
| 1650 |
> |
in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting. |
| 1651 |
|
% |
| 1652 |
< |
If everything is coming your way, you're in the |
| 1653 |
< |
wrong lane. |
| 1652 |
> |
The last person who quit or was fired will be held |
| 1653 |
> |
responsible for everything that goes wrong -- until |
| 1654 |
> |
the next person quits or is fired. |
| 1655 |
|
% |
| 1656 |
< |
If you allow someone to get in front of you either: |
| 1657 |
< |
(1) The car in front will be the last one over a |
| 1747 |
< |
railroad crossing, and you will be stuck waiting |
| 1748 |
< |
for a long, slow-moving train; or |
| 1749 |
< |
(2) you both will have the same destination and the |
| 1750 |
< |
other car will get the last parking space. |
| 1656 |
> |
The least experienced fisherman always catches the |
| 1657 |
> |
biggest fish. |
| 1658 |
|
% |
| 1659 |
< |
If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two |
| 1660 |
< |
new parking spaces right in front of the building |
| 1754 |
< |
entrance. |
| 1659 |
> |
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional |
| 1660 |
> |
to the amount spent on the wedding. |
| 1661 |
|
% |
| 1662 |
< |
When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn |
| 1663 |
< |
green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop. |
| 1662 |
> |
The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely |
| 1663 |
> |
with its price and directly with its ugliness. |
| 1664 |
|
% |
| 1665 |
< |
A car and a truck approaching each other on an otherwise |
| 1666 |
< |
deserted road will meet at the narrow bridge. |
| 1665 |
> |
The light at the end of the tunnel can be a helluva |
| 1666 |
> |
nuisance, especially if you're using the tunnel |
| 1667 |
> |
as a darkroom. |
| 1668 |
|
% |
| 1669 |
< |
The speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly proportional |
| 1670 |
< |
to the length of the passing zone. |
| 1669 |
> |
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of |
| 1670 |
> |
an oncoming train. |
| 1671 |
|
% |
| 1672 |
< |
The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly |
| 1766 |
< |
in front of your eyes. |
| 1672 |
> |
The light at the end of the tunnel really is a train. |
| 1673 |
|
% |
| 1674 |
< |
If you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the |
| 1675 |
< |
tool to get it off. |
| 1674 |
> |
The lion and the calf shall lie down together, |
| 1675 |
> |
but the calf won't get much sleep. |
| 1676 |
|
% |
| 1677 |
< |
If you can get the faulty part off, the parts house |
| 1772 |
< |
will have it back-ordered. |
| 1677 |
> |
The longer the title the less important the job. |
| 1678 |
|
% |
| 1679 |
< |
If the faulty part is in stock, it didn't need replacing |
| 1680 |
< |
in the first place. |
| 1679 |
> |
The longer you wait in line, the greater the |
| 1680 |
> |
likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. |
| 1681 |
|
% |
| 1682 |
< |
When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you |
| 1683 |
< |
becomes a hammer. |
| 1682 |
> |
The love letter you finally got the courage to send |
| 1683 |
> |
will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to |
| 1684 |
> |
make a fool of yourself in person. |
| 1685 |
|
% |
| 1686 |
< |
No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end |
| 1687 |
< |
up covered with grease and motor oil. |
| 1686 |
> |
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of |
| 1687 |
> |
someone he can blame it on. |
| 1688 |
|
% |
| 1689 |
< |
When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used |
| 1784 |
< |
interchangeably. |
| 1689 |
> |
The man who has no more problems is out of the game. |
| 1690 |
|
% |
| 1691 |
< |
Automotive engine reparing law: |
| 1692 |
< |
If you drop something, it will never reach the ground. |
| 1691 |
> |
The meek shall inherit the earth, |
| 1692 |
> |
but not its mineral rights. |
| 1693 |
|
% |
| 1694 |
< |
If you lived here you'd be home now. |
| 1694 |
> |
The meek will inherit the earth |
| 1695 |
> |
after the rest of us go to the stars. |
| 1696 |
|
% |
| 1697 |
< |
If it's good, they discontinue it. |
| 1697 |
> |
The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the |
| 1698 |
> |
waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for |
| 1699 |
> |
your scheduled appointment. |
| 1700 |
|
% |
| 1701 |
< |
It the shoe fits, it's ugly. |
| 1701 |
> |
The more carefully you plan a project, the more |
| 1702 |
> |
confusion there is when something goes wrong. |
| 1703 |
|
% |
| 1704 |
< |
(1) If you like it, they don't have it in your size. |
| 1705 |
< |
(2) If you like it and it's in your size, it doesn't |
| 1797 |
< |
fit anyway. |
| 1798 |
< |
(4) If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it. |
| 1799 |
< |
(5) If you like it, it fits and you can afford it, it |
| 1800 |
< |
falls apart the first time you wear it. |
| 1704 |
> |
The more complicated and grandiose the plan, the |
| 1705 |
> |
greater the chance of failure. |
| 1706 |
|
% |
| 1707 |
< |
The one you want is never the one on sale. |
| 1707 |
> |
The more directives you issue to solve a problem, |
| 1708 |
> |
the worse it gets. |
| 1709 |
|
% |
| 1710 |
< |
Anything labeled "new" and/or "improved" isn't. |
| 1710 |
> |
The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater |
| 1711 |
> |
the chance of having to stop at the fish market |
| 1712 |
> |
on the way home. |
| 1713 |
|
% |
| 1714 |
< |
The label "new" and/or "improved" means the price went up. |
| 1714 |
> |
The more expensive the gadget, the less often you |
| 1715 |
> |
will use it. |
| 1716 |
|
% |
| 1717 |
< |
The label "all new," "completely new" or "great news" |
| 1718 |
< |
means the price went way way up. |
| 1717 |
> |
The more general the title of a course, the less |
| 1718 |
> |
you will learn from it. |
| 1719 |
|
% |
| 1720 |
< |
If an item is advertised as "under $50," you can bet |
| 1721 |
< |
it's not $19.95. |
| 1720 |
> |
The more ridiculous a belief system, |
| 1721 |
> |
the higher probability of its success. |
| 1722 |
|
% |
| 1723 |
< |
ACF2 is a four letter word. |
| 1723 |
> |
The more specific the title of a course, the less you |
| 1724 |
> |
will be able to apply it later. |
| 1725 |
|
% |
| 1726 |
< |
If only one price can be obtained for any quotation, |
| 1727 |
< |
the price will be unreasonable. |
| 1726 |
> |
The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure |
| 1727 |
> |
you are as to which answer they want. |
| 1728 |
|
% |
| 1729 |
< |
A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will |
| 1730 |
< |
self-destruct on the 61st day. |
| 1729 |
> |
The more time and energy you put into preparing a meal |
| 1730 |
> |
the greater the chance your guests will spend the entire |
| 1731 |
> |
meal discussing other meals they have had. |
| 1732 |
|
% |
| 1822 |
– |
The "consumer report" on the item will come out a week |
| 1823 |
– |
after you've made your purchase: |
| 1824 |
– |
|
| 1825 |
– |
(1) The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable". |
| 1826 |
– |
(2) The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy". |
| 1827 |
– |
% |
| 1828 |
– |
If you don't write to complain, you'll never receive |
| 1829 |
– |
your order. |
| 1830 |
– |
If you do write, you'll receive the merchandise before |
| 1831 |
– |
your angry letter reaches its destination. |
| 1832 |
– |
% |
| 1733 |
|
The most important item in an order will no longer |
| 1734 |
|
be available. |
| 1735 |
|
% |
| 1736 |
< |
During the time an item is on back-order, it will be |
| 1837 |
< |
available cheaper and quicker from many other sources. |
| 1736 |
> |
The most interesting specimen will not be labeled. |
| 1737 |
|
% |
| 1738 |
< |
Security isn't. |
| 1738 |
> |
The most valuable quotation will be the one for which |
| 1739 |
> |
you cannot determine the source. |
| 1740 |
|
% |
| 1741 |
< |
Management can't. |
| 1741 |
> |
The mountain gets steeper as you get closer. |
| 1742 |
|
% |
| 1743 |
< |
Sale promotions don't. |
| 1743 |
> |
The mountain looks closer than it is. |
| 1744 |
|
% |
| 1745 |
< |
Consumer assistance doesn't. |
| 1745 |
> |
The one course you must take to graduate will not be |
| 1746 |
> |
offered during your last semester. |
| 1747 |
|
% |
| 1748 |
< |
Workers won't. |
| 1748 |
> |
The one day you'd sell your soul for something, |
| 1749 |
> |
souls are a glut. |
| 1750 |
|
% |
| 1751 |
< |
Cleanliness is next to impossible. |
| 1751 |
> |
The one ingredient you made a special trip to the store |
| 1752 |
> |
to get will be the one thing your guest is allergic to. |
| 1753 |
|
% |
| 1754 |
< |
Multiple-function gadgets will not perform any |
| 1852 |
< |
function adequately. |
| 1754 |
> |
The one thing that money can not buy is poverty. |
| 1755 |
|
% |
| 1756 |
< |
The more expensive the gadget, the less often you |
| 1757 |
< |
will use it. |
| 1756 |
> |
The one time in the day that you lean back and relax |
| 1757 |
> |
is the one time the boss walks through the office. |
| 1758 |
|
% |
| 1759 |
< |
The simpler the instruction, e.g. "press here", the |
| 1858 |
< |
more difficult it will be to open the package. |
| 1759 |
> |
The one who least wants to play is the one who will win. |
| 1760 |
|
% |
| 1761 |
< |
In a family recipe you just discovered in an old book, |
| 1861 |
< |
the most vital measurement will be illegible. |
| 1761 |
> |
The one who snores will fall asleep first. |
| 1762 |
|
% |
| 1763 |
< |
Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to save it |
| 1764 |
< |
only makes it worse. |
| 1763 |
> |
The one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one |
| 1764 |
> |
missing from the tool chest. |
| 1765 |
|
% |
| 1766 |
< |
You are always complimented on the item which took the |
| 1867 |
< |
least effort to prepare. |
| 1868 |
< |
|
| 1869 |
< |
Example: |
| 1870 |
< |
If you make "duck a l'orange" you will be |
| 1871 |
< |
complimented on the baked potato. |
| 1766 |
> |
The one you want is never the one on sale. |
| 1767 |
|
% |
| 1768 |
< |
The one ingredient you made a special trip to the store |
| 1874 |
< |
to get will be the one thing your guest is allergic to. |
| 1768 |
> |
The only game that can't be fixed is peek-a-boo. |
| 1769 |
|
% |
| 1770 |
< |
The more time and energy you put into preparing a meal |
| 1877 |
< |
the greater the chance you guests will spend the entire |
| 1878 |
< |
meal discussing other meals they have had. |
| 1770 |
> |
The only new TV show worth watching will be canceled. |
| 1771 |
|
% |
| 1772 |
< |
Souffles rise and cream whips only for the family and |
| 1773 |
< |
for guests you didn't really want to invite anyway. |
| 1772 |
> |
The only way to make up for being lost is to make |
| 1773 |
> |
record time while you are lost. |
| 1774 |
|
% |
| 1775 |
< |
The rotten egg will be the one you break into the |
| 1884 |
< |
cake batter. |
| 1775 |
> |
The only winner in the war of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. |
| 1776 |
|
% |
| 1777 |
< |
Any cooking utensil placed in the dishwasher will be |
| 1778 |
< |
needed immediately thereafter for something else. |
| 1777 |
> |
The organization of any program reflects the organization |
| 1778 |
> |
of the people who developed it. |
| 1779 |
|
% |
| 1780 |
< |
Any measuring utensil used for liquid ingredients will |
| 1890 |
< |
be needed immediately thereafter for dry ingredients. |
| 1780 |
> |
The other line always moves faster. |
| 1781 |
|
% |
| 1782 |
< |
Time spent consuming a meal is in inverse proportion |
| 1783 |
< |
to time spent preparing it. |
| 1782 |
> |
The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk |
| 1783 |
> |
to the other end of the building. |
| 1784 |
|
% |
| 1785 |
< |
Whatever it is, somebody will have had it for lunch. |
| 1785 |
> |
The pills to be taken with meals will be the least |
| 1786 |
> |
appetizing ones. |
| 1787 |
|
% |
| 1788 |
< |
If you're wondering if you took the meat out to |
| 1789 |
< |
thaw, you didn't. |
| 1788 |
> |
The primary function of the design engineer is to make |
| 1789 |
> |
things difficult for the fabricator and impossible |
| 1790 |
> |
for the serviceman. |
| 1791 |
|
% |
| 1792 |
< |
If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot |
| 1793 |
< |
plugged in, you did. |
| 1792 |
> |
The probability of a cat eating its dinner has |
| 1793 |
> |
absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food |
| 1794 |
> |
placed before it. |
| 1795 |
|
% |
| 1796 |
< |
If you're wondering if you need to stop and pick up |
| 1797 |
< |
bread and eggs on the way home, you do. |
| 1796 |
> |
The probability of anything happening is in |
| 1797 |
> |
inverse ratio to its desirability. |
| 1798 |
|
% |
| 1799 |
< |
If you're wondering if you have enough money to take |
| 1800 |
< |
the family out to eat tonight, you don't. |
| 1799 |
> |
The probability of meeting someone you know increases |
| 1800 |
> |
when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. |
| 1801 |
|
% |
| 1802 |
< |
The spot you are scrubbing on glassware is always on |
| 1803 |
< |
the other side. |
| 1802 |
> |
The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss |
| 1803 |
> |
to go in or out is directly proportional to the number |
| 1804 |
> |
and importance of your dinner guests. |
| 1805 |
|
% |
| 1806 |
< |
Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle. |
| 1806 |
> |
The quality of correlation is inversely proportional |
| 1807 |
> |
to the density of control. |
| 1808 |
|
% |
| 1809 |
< |
All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off. |
| 1809 |
> |
The quickest way to experiment with acupuncture is to |
| 1810 |
> |
try on a new shirt. |
| 1811 |
|
% |
| 1812 |
< |
Cost of repair can be determined by multiplying the |
| 1813 |
< |
cost of your new coat by 1.75, or by multiplying the |
| 1918 |
< |
cost of a new washer by .75. |
| 1812 |
> |
The race goes not always to the swift, nor the battle |
| 1813 |
> |
to the strong, but that's the way to bet. |
| 1814 |
|
% |
| 1815 |
< |
There is always more dirty laundry then clean laundry. |
| 1815 |
> |
The radiologists' national flower is the hedge. |
| 1816 |
|
% |
| 1817 |
< |
If it's clean, it isn't laundry. |
| 1817 |
> |
The ratio of time involved in work to time available for |
| 1818 |
> |
work is usually about 0.6 |
| 1819 |
|
% |
| 1820 |
< |
A child will not spill on a dirty floor. |
| 1820 |
> |
The repairman will never have seen a model quite like |
| 1821 |
> |
yours before. |
| 1822 |
|
% |
| 1823 |
< |
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. |
| 1823 |
> |
The road to hell is paved with good intentions |
| 1824 |
> |
and littered with sloppy analyses! |
| 1825 |
|
% |
| 1826 |
< |
Any child who chatters non-stop at home will adamantly |
| 1827 |
< |
refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate |
| 1930 |
< |
for an audience. |
| 1826 |
> |
The rotten egg will be the one you break into the |
| 1827 |
> |
cake batter. |
| 1828 |
|
% |
| 1829 |
< |
A shy, introverted child will choose a crowded public |
| 1830 |
< |
area to loudly demonstrate new acquired vocabulary. |
| 1829 |
> |
The scratch on the record is always through the song |
| 1830 |
> |
you like most. |
| 1831 |
|
% |
| 1832 |
< |
The probablility of a cat eating its dinner has |
| 1833 |
< |
absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food |
| 1937 |
< |
placed before it. |
| 1832 |
> |
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake |
| 1833 |
> |
that you've got it made. |
| 1834 |
|
% |
| 1835 |
< |
The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss |
| 1836 |
< |
to go in or out is directly proportional to the number |
| 1941 |
< |
and importance of your dinner guests. |
| 1835 |
> |
The severity of an itch is inversely proportional |
| 1836 |
> |
to the reach. |
| 1837 |
|
% |
| 1838 |
< |
The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of |
| 1839 |
< |
junk food available. |
| 1838 |
> |
The simpler the instruction, e.g. "press here", the |
| 1839 |
> |
more difficult it will be to open the package. |
| 1840 |
|
% |
| 1841 |
< |
If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe, |
| 1842 |
< |
there won't be any left by the time they are ripe. If |
| 1843 |
< |
you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten. |
| 1841 |
> |
The six steps of program management are: |
| 1842 |
> |
(1) Wild enthusiasm |
| 1843 |
> |
(2) Disenchantment |
| 1844 |
> |
(3) Total confusion |
| 1845 |
> |
(4) Search for guilty |
| 1846 |
> |
(5) Punishment for the innocent |
| 1847 |
> |
(6) Promotion of the non-participants |
| 1848 |
|
% |
| 1849 |
< |
How long a minute is depends on which side of the |
| 1850 |
< |
bathroom door you're on. |
| 1849 |
> |
The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out |
| 1850 |
> |
lane. |
| 1851 |
|
% |
| 1852 |
< |
The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely |
| 1853 |
< |
with its price and directly with its ugliness. |
| 1852 |
> |
The source for an unattributed quotation will appear |
| 1853 |
> |
in the most hostile review of your work. |
| 1854 |
|
% |
| 1855 |
< |
If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch |
| 1856 |
< |
it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode. |
| 1855 |
> |
The speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly proportional |
| 1856 |
> |
to the length of the passing zone. |
| 1857 |
|
% |
| 1858 |
< |
If there are only two shows worth watching, they will |
| 1859 |
< |
be on together. |
| 1858 |
> |
The spot you are scrubbing on glassware is always on |
| 1859 |
> |
the other side. |
| 1860 |
|
% |
| 1861 |
< |
The only new TV show worth watching will be cancelled. |
| 1861 |
> |
The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of |
| 1862 |
> |
junk food available. |
| 1863 |
|
% |
| 1864 |
< |
The TV show you've been looking forward to all week |
| 1865 |
< |
will be preempted. |
| 1864 |
> |
The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, |
| 1865 |
> |
even in the wrong denomination. |
| 1866 |
|
% |
| 1867 |
< |
Most people deserve each other. |
| 1867 |
> |
The sun goes down just when you need it the most. |
| 1868 |
|
% |
| 1869 |
< |
Possessions increase to fill the space available for |
| 1970 |
< |
their storage. |
| 1869 |
> |
The system itself does not do what it says it is doing. |
| 1870 |
|
% |
| 1871 |
< |
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal |
| 1871 |
> |
The tendency of smoke from a cigarette, barbeque, |
| 1872 |
> |
campfire, etc. to drift into a person's face varies |
| 1873 |
> |
directly with that person's sensitivity to smoke. |
| 1874 |
|
% |
| 1875 |
< |
(1) The telephone will ring when you are outside the |
| 1876 |
< |
door, fumbling for your keys. |
| 1976 |
< |
|
| 1977 |
< |
(2) You will reach it just in time to hear the click |
| 1978 |
< |
of the caller hanging up. |
| 1875 |
> |
The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his |
| 1876 |
> |
subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems. |
| 1877 |
|
% |
| 1878 |
< |
People to whom you are attracted invariably thing you |
| 1879 |
< |
remind them of someone else. |
| 1878 |
> |
The time available to go fishing shrinks as the fishing |
| 1879 |
> |
season draws nearer. |
| 1880 |
|
% |
| 1881 |
< |
The one who snores will fall asleep first. |
| 1881 |
> |
The time it takes to rectify a situation is |
| 1882 |
> |
inversely proportional to the time it took |
| 1883 |
> |
to do the damage. |
| 1884 |
|
% |
| 1885 |
< |
Never get excited about a blind date because of how |
| 1986 |
< |
it sounds over the phone. |
| 1885 |
> |
The total behavior of large systems cannot be predicted. |
| 1886 |
|
% |
| 1887 |
< |
The love letter you finally got the courage to send |
| 1888 |
< |
will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to |
| 1990 |
< |
make a fool of yourself in person. |
| 1887 |
> |
The TV show you've been looking forward to all week |
| 1888 |
> |
will be preempted. |
| 1889 |
|
% |
| 1890 |
< |
Other people's romantic gestures seem novel and exciting. |
| 1891 |
< |
|
| 1994 |
< |
Your own romantic gestures seem fooolish and clumsy. |
| 1890 |
> |
The usefulness of any meeting |
| 1891 |
> |
is in inverse proportion to the attendance. |
| 1892 |
|
% |
| 1893 |
< |
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional |
| 1894 |
< |
to the amount spent on the wedding. |
| 1893 |
> |
The value of a program is proportional |
| 1894 |
> |
to the weight of its output. |
| 1895 |
|
% |
| 1896 |
< |
The probablility of meeting someone you know increases |
| 1897 |
< |
when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. |
| 1896 |
> |
The worse your line is tangled, the better is the |
| 1897 |
> |
fishing around you. |
| 1898 |
|
% |
| 1899 |
< |
If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember |
| 2003 |
< |
you - the next time he's in need. |
| 1899 |
> |
The wrong quarterback is the one that's in there. |
| 1900 |
|
% |
| 1901 |
< |
Virtue is its own punishment. |
| 1901 |
> |
The yoo-hoo you yoo-hoo into the forest is the yoo-hoo you |
| 1902 |
> |
get back. |
| 1903 |
|
% |
| 1904 |
< |
If you do something right once, someone will ask |
| 2008 |
< |
you to do it again. |
| 1904 |
> |
Them what gets--has. |
| 1905 |
|
% |
| 1906 |
< |
The one day you'd sell your soul for something, |
| 2011 |
< |
souls are a glut. |
| 1906 |
> |
There are no winners in life: Only survivors. |
| 1907 |
|
% |
| 1908 |
< |
The scratch on the record is always through the song |
| 1909 |
< |
you like most. |
| 1908 |
> |
There are some things which are impossible to know - |
| 1909 |
> |
but it is impossible to know these things. |
| 1910 |
|
% |
| 1911 |
< |
Superiority is recessive. |
| 1911 |
> |
There are three ways to get things done: |
| 1912 |
> |
(1) Do it yourself, |
| 1913 |
> |
(2) Hire someone to do it, or |
| 1914 |
> |
(3) Forbid your kids to do it. |
| 1915 |
|
% |
| 1916 |
< |
Forgive and remember. |
| 1916 |
> |
There are two kinds of adhesive tape: That which won't |
| 1917 |
> |
stay on and that which won't come off. |
| 1918 |
|
% |
| 1919 |
< |
Anything good in life either causes cancer in |
| 1920 |
< |
laboratory mice or is taxed beyond reality. |
| 1919 |
> |
There is a solution to every problem; |
| 1920 |
> |
the only difficulty is finding it. |
| 1921 |
|
% |
| 1922 |
< |
To err is human -- to blame it on someone else is |
| 2024 |
< |
even more human. |
| 1922 |
> |
There is always more dirty laundry then clean laundry. |
| 1923 |
|
% |
| 1924 |
< |
Whatever happens to you, it will previously have |
| 2027 |
< |
happened to everyone you know only more so. |
| 1924 |
> |
There is always one more bug. |
| 1925 |
|
% |
| 1926 |
< |
He who laughs last -- probably didn't get the joke. |
| 1926 |
> |
There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. |
| 1927 |
|
% |
| 1928 |
< |
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about |
| 1929 |
< |
you. They're too busy worrying over what you are |
| 2033 |
< |
thinking about them. |
| 1928 |
> |
There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", |
| 1929 |
> |
only a capitalist. |
| 1930 |
|
% |
| 1931 |
< |
In a bureaucratic hierarchy, the higher up the |
| 2036 |
< |
organization the less people appreciate Murphy's law, |
| 2037 |
< |
the Peter Principle, etc. |
| 1931 |
> |
There is no such thing as a straight line. |
| 1932 |
|
% |
| 1933 |
< |
Law expands in proportion to the resources available |
| 2040 |
< |
for its enforcement. |
| 1933 |
> |
There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action. |
| 1934 |
|
% |
| 1935 |
< |
Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed. |
| 1935 |
> |
There's never time to do it right, but there's always |
| 1936 |
> |
time to do it over. |
| 1937 |
|
% |
| 1938 |
< |
There are some things which are impossible to know - |
| 1939 |
< |
but it is impossible to know these things. |
| 1938 |
> |
There's no time like the present for postponing |
| 1939 |
> |
what you don't want to do. |
| 1940 |
|
% |
| 1941 |
< |
When we try to pick out anything by itself we find |
| 2048 |
< |
it hitched to everything else in the universe. |
| 1941 |
> |
Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. |
| 1942 |
|
% |
| 1943 |
< |
If one views his problem closely enough he will |
| 2051 |
< |
recoginize himself as part of the problem. |
| 1943 |
> |
Things get worse under pressure. |
| 1944 |
|
% |
| 1945 |
< |
Everything may be divided into as many parts as you please. |
| 1945 |
> |
This space for rent. |
| 1946 |
|
% |
| 1947 |
< |
If several things that could have gone wrong have not |
| 2056 |
< |
gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial |
| 2057 |
< |
for them to have gone wrong. |
| 1947 |
> |
Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least. |
| 1948 |
|
% |
| 1949 |
< |
The quickest way to experiment with acupuncture is to |
| 2060 |
< |
try on a new shirt. |
| 1949 |
> |
Those with the best advice offer no advice. |
| 1950 |
|
% |
| 1951 |
< |
Absolutely nothing in the world is friendlier than |
| 1952 |
< |
a wet dog. |
| 1951 |
> |
Time spent consuming a meal is in inverse proportion |
| 1952 |
> |
to time spent preparing it. |
| 1953 |
|
% |
| 1954 |
< |
The severity of an itch is inversely proportional |
| 1955 |
< |
to the reach. |
| 1954 |
> |
To err is human -- to blame it on someone else is |
| 1955 |
> |
even more human. |
| 1956 |
|
% |
| 1957 |
< |
A hug is the perfect gift - one size fits all, and |
| 1958 |
< |
nobody minds if you exchange it. |
| 1957 |
> |
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires |
| 1958 |
> |
a computer. |
| 1959 |
|
% |
| 1960 |
< |
The only game that can't be fixed is peek-a-boo. |
| 1960 |
> |
To err is human, to forgive is divine -- |
| 1961 |
> |
but to forget it altogether is humane. |
| 1962 |
|
% |
| 1963 |
< |
Ignorance should be painful. |
| 1963 |
> |
To get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it. |
| 1964 |
|
% |
| 1965 |
< |
The first insurance agent was David - |
| 2076 |
< |
he gave Goliath a piece of the rock. |
| 1965 |
> |
To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression. |
| 1966 |
|
% |
| 1967 |
< |
King Arthur ran the first knight club. |
| 1967 |
> |
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job |
| 1968 |
> |
will take the longest and cost the most. |
| 1969 |
|
% |
| 1970 |
< |
Magellan was the first strait man. |
| 1970 |
> |
Trial balances don't. |
| 1971 |
|
% |
| 1972 |
< |
If you smile when everything goes wrong, you are |
| 2083 |
< |
either a nitwit or a repairman. |
| 1972 |
> |
Truth is elastic. |
| 1973 |
|
% |
| 1974 |
< |
If it weren't for the opinion polls we'd never know |
| 1975 |
< |
what people are undecided about. |
| 1974 |
> |
Unless the results are known in advance, funding |
| 1975 |
> |
agencies will reject the proposal. |
| 1976 |
|
% |
| 1977 |
< |
No news is ... impossible. |
| 1977 |
> |
Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man |
| 1978 |
> |
in the balls, not even symbolically or perhaps especially |
| 1979 |
> |
not symbolically. |
| 1980 |
|
% |
| 1981 |
< |
Laugh and the world laughs with you. cry and ... |
| 1982 |
< |
you have to blow your nose. |
| 1981 |
> |
Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation |
| 1982 |
> |
for being useful. |
| 1983 |
|
% |
| 1984 |
< |
A penny saved is ... not much. |
| 1984 |
> |
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by |
| 1985 |
> |
spontaneously moving from where you left them to where |
| 1986 |
> |
you can't find them. |
| 1987 |
|
% |
| 1988 |
< |
He who marries for money ... better be nice to his wife. |
| 1988 |
> |
Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle. |
| 1989 |
|
% |
| 1990 |
< |
It's always darkest before ... daylight saving time. |
| 1990 |
> |
Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. |
| 1991 |
|
% |
| 1992 |
< |
If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries. |
| 1992 |
> |
"Watching a birdie" in hand is safer than watching |
| 1993 |
> |
one overhead. |
| 1994 |
|
% |
| 1995 |
< |
There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action. |
| 1995 |
> |
Whatever can go to New York, will. |
| 1996 |
|
% |
| 1997 |
< |
Life is like an ice-cream cone: You have to learn to |
| 1998 |
< |
lick it. |
| 1997 |
> |
Whatever carrousel you stand by, your baggage will |
| 1998 |
> |
come in on another one. |
| 1999 |
|
% |
| 2000 |
< |
One place where you're sure to find the perfect |
| 2001 |
< |
driver is in the back seat. |
| 2000 |
> |
Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest |
| 2001 |
> |
number must happen. |
| 2002 |
|
% |
| 2003 |
< |
Nothing is indestructible, with the possible exception |
| 2004 |
< |
of discount-priced fruitcakes. |
| 2003 |
> |
Whatever happens to you, it will previously have |
| 2004 |
> |
happened to everyone you know only more so. |
| 2005 |
|
% |
| 2006 |
< |
How do they know no two snowflakes are alike? |
| 2006 |
> |
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. |
| 2007 |
|
% |
| 2008 |
< |
How did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented? |
| 2008 |
> |
Whatever it is, somebody will have had it for lunch. |
| 2009 |
|
% |
| 2010 |
< |
To err is human, to forgive is divine -- |
| 2011 |
< |
but to forget it altogether is humane. |
| 2010 |
> |
When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, |
| 2011 |
> |
it will work perfectly. |
| 2012 |
|
% |
| 2013 |
< |
"Watching a birdie" in hand is safer that watching |
| 2014 |
< |
one overhead. |
| 2013 |
> |
When a distinguished scientist states something is possible, |
| 2014 |
> |
he is almost certainly right. When he states that |
| 2015 |
> |
something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. |
| 2016 |
|
% |
| 2017 |
< |
The light at the end of the tunnel can be a helluva |
| 2018 |
< |
nuisance, especially if your're using the tunnel |
| 2124 |
< |
as a darkroom. |
| 2017 |
> |
When a student asks for a second time if you have read |
| 2018 |
> |
his book report, he did not read the book. |
| 2019 |
|
% |
| 2020 |
< |
Never play leapfrog with a photo enlarger. |
| 2020 |
> |
When a writer prepares a manuscript on a subject he does |
| 2021 |
> |
not understand, his work will be understood only by |
| 2022 |
> |
readers who know more about that subject than he does. |
| 2023 |
|
% |
| 2024 |
< |
Never argue with an artist. |
| 2024 |
> |
When all else fails, read the instructions. |
| 2025 |
|
% |
| 2026 |
< |
When in doubt, don't muble, overexpose ... then mumble. |
| 2026 |
> |
When an exaggerated emphasis is placed upon delegation, |
| 2027 |
> |
responsibility, like sediment, sinks to the bottom. |
| 2028 |
|
% |
| 2029 |
< |
The light at the end of the tunnel really is a train. |
| 2029 |
> |
When in doubt, don't mumble, overexpose ... then mumble. |
| 2030 |
|
% |
| 2031 |
< |
A budget is saving quarters in a mason jar for |
| 2135 |
< |
Christmas and spending them by Easter. |
| 2031 |
> |
When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. |
| 2032 |
|
% |
| 2033 |
< |
A budget is spending $15.00 on gas to drive to a |
| 2034 |
< |
shopping mall to save $4.30 on a 20 pound turkey. |
| 2033 |
> |
When in doubt, mumble. |
| 2034 |
> |
When in trouble, delegate. |
| 2035 |
> |
When in charge, ponder. |
| 2036 |
|
% |
| 2037 |
< |
A budget is wondering why you should balance yours |
| 2141 |
< |
if the government can not balance theirs. |
| 2037 |
> |
When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue. |
| 2038 |
|
% |
| 2039 |
< |
A budget is trying to figure out how the family next |
| 2144 |
< |
door is doing it. |
| 2039 |
> |
When in trouble, obfuscate. |
| 2040 |
|
% |
| 2041 |
< |
A budget is a plan that falls apart when the plumber |
| 2147 |
< |
has to make an emergency visit. |
| 2041 |
> |
When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade. |
| 2042 |
|
% |
| 2043 |
< |
A budget is trying to make $25.00 go as far today as |
| 2044 |
< |
it did when you were first married. |
| 2043 |
> |
When more and more people are thrown out of work, |
| 2044 |
> |
unemployment results. |
| 2045 |
|
% |
| 2046 |
< |
A budget is buying a dress two sizes too small because |
| 2047 |
< |
it was marked down. |
| 2046 |
> |
When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used |
| 2047 |
> |
interchangeably. |
| 2048 |
|
% |
| 2049 |
< |
You sure have to borrow a lot of money these days to |
| 2050 |
< |
be an average consumer. |
| 2049 |
> |
When outrageous expenditures are divided finely enough |
| 2050 |
> |
the public will not have enough stake in any one |
| 2051 |
> |
expenditure to squelch it. |
| 2052 |
|
% |
| 2053 |
< |
He who dies with the most toys wins. |
| 2053 |
> |
When properly administered, vacations do not diminish |
| 2054 |
> |
productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing |
| 2055 |
> |
done, there is another week when your boss is away and you |
| 2056 |
> |
get twice as much done. |
| 2057 |
|
% |
| 2058 |
< |
A fool and his money soon go partying. |
| 2058 |
> |
When putting it into memory, remember where you put it. |
| 2059 |
|
% |
| 2060 |
< |
If his IQ was any lower he'd be a plant. |
| 2060 |
> |
When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most |
| 2061 |
> |
important ones will be illegible. |
| 2062 |
|
% |
| 2063 |
< |
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. |
| 2063 |
> |
When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it |
| 2064 |
> |
around instead of picking it up. |
| 2065 |
|
% |
| 2066 |
< |
It is far better to do nothing that to do |
| 2067 |
< |
something efficiently. |
| 2168 |
< |
-- Siezbo |
| 2066 |
> |
When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. |
| 2067 |
> |
-- Lynch |
| 2068 |
|
% |
| 2069 |
< |
The man who has no more problems is out of the game. |
| 2069 |
> |
When the government bureau's remedies do not match your |
| 2070 |
> |
problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. |
| 2071 |
|
% |
| 2072 |
< |
The race goes not always to the swift, nor the battle |
| 2073 |
< |
to the strong, but that's the way to bet. |
| 2072 |
> |
When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you |
| 2073 |
> |
becomes a hammer. |
| 2074 |
|
% |
| 2075 |
< |
A fool and his money are invited places. |
| 2075 |
> |
When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system |
| 2076 |
> |
will perform perfectly. |
| 2077 |
|
% |
| 2078 |
< |
All things come to him whose name is on a mailing list. |
| 2078 |
> |
When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad. |
| 2079 |
|
% |
| 2080 |
< |
The hand that rocks the craddle usually is attached |
| 2081 |
< |
to someone who isn't getting enough sleep. |
| 2080 |
> |
When things are going well, someone will inevitably |
| 2081 |
> |
experiment detrimentally. |
| 2082 |
|
% |
| 2083 |
< |
After winning an argument with his wife, |
| 2084 |
< |
the wisest thing a man can do is apologize. |
| 2083 |
> |
When things are going well, something will go wrong. |
| 2084 |
> |
When things just can't get any worse, they will. |
| 2085 |
> |
When things appear to be going better you have overlooked |
| 2086 |
> |
something. |
| 2087 |
|
% |
| 2088 |
< |
If opportunity came disguised as temptation, |
| 2089 |
< |
one knock would be enough. |
| 2088 |
> |
When traveling overseas, the exchange rate improves |
| 2089 |
> |
markedly the day after one has purchased foreign |
| 2090 |
> |
currency. |
| 2091 |
> |
|
| 2092 |
> |
Upon returning home, the exchange rate drops again as |
| 2093 |
> |
soon as one has converted all unused foreign currency. |
| 2094 |
|
% |
| 2095 |
< |
If there was any justice in this world, people would |
| 2096 |
< |
occasionally be permitted to fly over pigeons. |
| 2095 |
> |
When we try to pick out anything by itself we find |
| 2096 |
> |
it hitched to everything else in the universe. |
| 2097 |
|
% |
| 2098 |
< |
Easy doesn't do it. |
| 2098 |
> |
When working toward the solution of a problem, |
| 2099 |
> |
it always helps if you know the answer. |
| 2100 |
> |
Provided of course you know there is a problem. |
| 2101 |
|
% |
| 2102 |
< |
Most people want to be delivered from temptation but |
| 2103 |
< |
would like it to keep in touch. |
| 2102 |
> |
When you are able to schedule two classes in a row, |
| 2103 |
> |
they will be held in classrooms at opposite end of |
| 2104 |
> |
the campus. |
| 2105 |
|
% |
| 2106 |
< |
When a distinguised scientist states something is possible, |
| 2107 |
< |
he is almost certainly right. When he states that |
| 2198 |
< |
something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. |
| 2106 |
> |
When you are right be logical, |
| 2107 |
> |
when you are wrong be-fuddle. |
| 2108 |
|
% |
| 2109 |
< |
Everyone gets away with something. |
| 2110 |
< |
No one gets away with everything. |
| 2109 |
> |
When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty |
| 2110 |
> |
to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you. |
| 2111 |
|
% |
| 2112 |
< |
Remain silent about your intentions until you are sure |
| 2112 |
> |
When you consider there are 24 hours in a day, it's |
| 2113 |
> |
sad to know that only one is called the happy hour. |
| 2114 |
|
% |
| 2115 |
< |
Calm down .... it is only ones and zeros. |
| 2115 |
> |
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal |
| 2116 |
|
% |
| 2117 |
< |
Real programmers don't write COBOL. |
| 2208 |
< |
COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers. |
| 2117 |
> |
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. |
| 2118 |
|
% |
| 2119 |
< |
I have not lost my mind, it is backed up on tape somewhere. |
| 2119 |
> |
When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the |
| 2120 |
> |
world's composed of aluminum and vinyl. |
| 2121 |
|
% |
| 2122 |
< |
Real programmers do not document. |
| 2213 |
< |
Documentation is for simps who can't read listings or |
| 2214 |
< |
object code. |
| 2122 |
> |
When your opponent is down, kick him. |
| 2123 |
|
% |
| 2124 |
< |
Real programmers don't write specs -- users should |
| 2125 |
< |
consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and |
| 2218 |
< |
take what they get. |
| 2124 |
> |
When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn |
| 2125 |
> |
green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop. |
| 2126 |
|
% |
| 2127 |
< |
Real programmers don't comment their code. if it is hard |
| 2128 |
< |
to write, it should be hard to understand. |
| 2127 |
> |
Whenever a superstar is traded to your favorite team, |
| 2128 |
> |
he fades. Whenever your team trades away a useless |
| 2129 |
> |
no-name, he immediately rises to stardom. |
| 2130 |
|
% |
| 2131 |
< |
Real programmers don't write apllications programs; they |
| 2132 |
< |
program right down on the bare metal. Application |
| 2225 |
< |
programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming. |
| 2131 |
> |
Whenever you cut your fingernails you will find a |
| 2132 |
> |
need for them an hour later. |
| 2133 |
|
% |
| 2134 |
< |
Real programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real |
| 2228 |
< |
programmers don't know how to spell quiche. They eat |
| 2229 |
< |
twinkies and szechuan food. |
| 2134 |
> |
Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit. |
| 2135 |
|
% |
| 2136 |
< |
Real programmer's programs never work the first time. But |
| 2232 |
< |
if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into |
| 2233 |
< |
working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions. |
| 2136 |
> |
Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today! |
| 2137 |
|
% |
| 2138 |
< |
Real programmers don't write in Fortran. Fortran is for |
| 2139 |
< |
pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. |
| 2138 |
> |
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet |
| 2139 |
> |
reached their level of incompetence. |
| 2140 |
|
% |
| 2141 |
< |
Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real |
| 2142 |
< |
programmers are around at 9 a.m., it's because they |
| 2240 |
< |
were up all night. |
| 2141 |
> |
Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the |
| 2142 |
> |
water that keeps it green. |
| 2143 |
|
% |
| 2144 |
< |
Real programmers don't write in Basic. Actually, no |
| 2243 |
< |
programmers write in Basic after age 12. |
| 2144 |
> |
Workers won't. |
| 2145 |
|
% |
| 2146 |
< |
Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for |
| 2246 |
< |
programmers who can't decide whether to write in |
| 2247 |
< |
COBOL or Fortran. |
| 2146 |
> |
Working capital doesn't. |
| 2147 |
|
% |
| 2148 |
< |
Real programmers don't play tennis or any other sport |
| 2149 |
< |
that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is |
| 2150 |
< |
O.K., and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work |
| 2252 |
< |
in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle |
| 2253 |
< |
of the machine room. |
| 2148 |
> |
Writings prepared without understanding must fail in the |
| 2149 |
> |
first objective of communication -- informing |
| 2150 |
> |
the uninformed. |
| 2151 |
|
% |
| 2152 |
< |
Real programmers don't write in Pascal, Bliss, or Ada, or |
| 2153 |
< |
any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong |
| 2154 |
< |
typing is for people with weak memories. |
| 2152 |
> |
You are always complimented on the item which took the |
| 2153 |
> |
least effort to prepare. |
| 2154 |
> |
|
| 2155 |
> |
Example: |
| 2156 |
> |
If you make "duck a l'orange" you will be |
| 2157 |
> |
complimented on the baked potato. |
| 2158 |
|
% |
| 2159 |
< |
On a clear disk, you can seek forever. |
| 2159 |
> |
You are not drunk if you can lay on the floor without |
| 2160 |
> |
holding on. |
| 2161 |
|
% |
| 2162 |
< |
Hollerith got us into this hole mess! |
| 2162 |
> |
You can always find what you're not looking for. |
| 2163 |
|
% |
| 2164 |
< |
No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets, |
| 2165 |
< |
with the same staff that started it. Yours will not be the |
| 2265 |
< |
first. |
| 2164 |
> |
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to |
| 2165 |
> |
float on his back, you've really got something. |
| 2166 |
|
% |
| 2167 |
< |
When things are going well, something will go wrong. |
| 2168 |
< |
When things just can't get any worse, they will. |
| 2269 |
< |
When things appear to be going better you have overlooked |
| 2270 |
< |
something. |
| 2167 |
> |
You can never do just one thing. |
| 2168 |
> |
-- Hardin |
| 2169 |
|
% |
| 2170 |
< |
If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of |
| 2171 |
< |
change will exceed the rate of progress. |
| 2170 |
> |
You can pray hard enough to make water run uphill |
| 2171 |
> |
how hard? |
| 2172 |
> |
Hard enough to make water run uphill. |
| 2173 |
|
% |
| 2174 |
< |
No system is ever completely debugged: Attempts to debug |
| 2175 |
< |
a system will inevitably introduce new bugs that are even |
| 2277 |
< |
harder to find. |
| 2174 |
> |
You can't expect to hit the jackpot |
| 2175 |
> |
if you don't put a few nickels in the machine. |
| 2176 |
|
% |
| 2177 |
< |
A carelessly planned project will take three times |
| 2280 |
< |
longer than expected; a carefully planned project will |
| 2281 |
< |
take only twice as long. |
| 2177 |
> |
You can't fix it if it ain't broke. |
| 2178 |
|
% |
| 2179 |
< |
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said |
| 2284 |
< |
than done |
| 2179 |
> |
You can't guard against the arbitrary. |
| 2180 |
|
% |
| 2181 |
< |
If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. |
| 2181 |
> |
You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it. |
| 2182 |
|
% |
| 2183 |
< |
Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty, and the pig |
| 2184 |
< |
likes it! |
| 2183 |
> |
You don't have to be crazy to work here |
| 2184 |
> |
but it sure helps!!!!!!! |
| 2185 |
|
% |
| 2186 |
< |
Don't fight with a bear in his own cage. |
| 2186 |
> |
You may be recognized soon. |
| 2187 |
> |
Hide! |
| 2188 |
> |
If they find you, lie. |
| 2189 |
|
% |
| 2190 |
< |
The six steps of program management are: |
| 2191 |
< |
(1) Wild enthusiasm |
| 2295 |
< |
(2) Disenchantment |
| 2296 |
< |
(3) Total confusion |
| 2297 |
< |
(4) Search for guilty |
| 2298 |
< |
(5) Punishment for the innocent |
| 2299 |
< |
(6) Promotion of the non-participants |
| 2190 |
> |
You may know where the market is going, but you can't |
| 2191 |
> |
possibly know where it's going after that. |
| 2192 |
|
% |
| 2193 |
< |
He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from |
| 2194 |
< |
the next freeway exit. |
| 2193 |
> |
You never have the right number of pills left on the |
| 2194 |
> |
last day of a prescription. |
| 2195 |
|
% |
| 2196 |
< |
An expert doesn't know any more than you do. He or she is |
| 2197 |
< |
merely better organized and uses slides. |
| 2196 |
> |
You never know who's right, but you always know |
| 2197 |
> |
who's in charge. |
| 2198 |
|
% |
| 2199 |
< |
Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have |
| 2200 |
< |
to do it himself/herself. |
| 2199 |
> |
You sure have to borrow a lot of money these days to |
| 2200 |
> |
be an average consumer. |
| 2201 |
|
% |
| 2202 |
< |
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to |
| 2311 |
< |
float on his back, you've really got something. |
| 2202 |
> |
You will always find something in the last place you look. |
| 2203 |
|
% |
| 2204 |
+ |
You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash |
| 2205 |
+ |
when the garbage truck is two doors away. |
| 2206 |
+ |
% |
| 2207 |
+ |
You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you |
| 2208 |
+ |
don't burn your bridges until you come to them. |
| 2209 |
+ |
% |
| 2210 |
|
You win some, lose some, and some get rained out; but you |
| 2211 |
|
gotta suit up for them all. |
| 2212 |
|
% |
| 2316 |
– |
People are promoted not by what they can do, but what |
| 2317 |
– |
people think they can do. |
| 2318 |
– |
% |
| 2319 |
– |
Don't smoke in bed - the ashes on the floor might be your |
| 2320 |
– |
own. |
